Honour and respect – my mate’s death has had more impact on me than I thought…
I lost a mate last Sunday.
His name was Lewis Zhi Liu. We’d been playing soccer together for years… I guess it’s like 10 years now. Here’s a photo of us from a recent FIFA World Cup qualifier. (Sorry, correction, this photo is from a local over 45 comp… which we won.)
It’s always tempting to glorify those who’ve left – to go on about how dangerous he was from the left or right boot, about his vision and play-making abilities, about how he was like an iron wall made of tigers in defence.
But look, to be honest, he wasn’t the most talented player on the team (which is obviously me), and he wasn’t even the second most talented.
But he was a lot of fun to play with. He loved the game and he loved the team. And when he was on the field, he gave it everything.
Watching Lewis play, you remembered what football was about.
But then during last Sunday’s game, just 20 minutes in, Lewis had a heart-attack.
One of the lads started CPR but it was too late. The ambo’s came, but there was nothing they could do.
Lewis was gone.
And that was it. Just like that. One minute he was there, buzzing around the field like he always does. The next minute, gone.
It’s enough to give the psyche whip-lash.
I’ve been surprised at how much mental real estate Lewis’ death has taken up in my mind this week – and how deeply his death has affected me.
You know, I thought I was cool with the whole death thing. Just a natural part of life and all that.
And in many ways, in the broader sweep of history, Lewis’s story is a happy story. He was a good and honourable man. He lived a rich life. He died doing what he loved. He is fondly remembered and respected, and his community genuinely mourns his loss.
Can any man ask for much more than that?
That said, I doubt Lewis would have said he was done with life. He was in his mid-50s (like me!). He was fit and full of energy and passion. It’s shocking and it’s a shame.
(And you know, he was Chinese so I thought he was going to live to be like 100.)
And I guess that’s why it’s a bit of a slap in the face for me. When I lost my father last year that hurt. A lot. But death was still a generation removed then. Now it feels like death is inside the city walls. He’s got his cold eye on my generation, my friends, my team mates…
… on me.
And so I’m taking stock. Am I really ready to bow out? What’s still left undone? If I died tomorrow could I really say I died without regrets?
(I’m still pondering that one!)
And there is something that Lewis brought to my life and to our team that I’m really going to miss.
As we mull over Lewis’ passing, I think we’re really appreciating Lewis’ attitude – the way he got in there and gave it a go – gave it everything.
It’s such a great energy to have around.
And at the end of the day, I think people will admire your achievements, but they respect you for the person you are.
And by that I mean, you can do all sorts of things that make people ohh and ahh. You can be one of the flashiest footballers that ever lived.
But if you’re an A-grade turd, what’s the point?
People might admire what you’ve done, but they won’t respect you as a person.
And respect counts for something.
Lewis’s life is a lesson in this.
He wasn’t the most brilliant player, but he had fire and he had integrity. We respected him. We loved him. We’re going to miss him.
And I know respect and honour seems like a little bit of a dated value-system in era of whatever-it-takes celebrity and political classes.
But I still think it’s important. I’m not quite sure how. Maybe in a transcendental way. It’s like integrity and honour are the robes our souls carry over to the other side.
And integrity and honour define our legacy to world. It is who we are as people that becomes the gifts we leave to future generations.
And perhaps they are the only measure of a life worth worrying about..?
And so Lewis’s passing has been a reminder that life is short, and you’ve got to make the most of your time here.
But it’s also got me looking at my goals and wondering if I’m all a bit too outcome-focused.
Am I giving enough energy to the kind of person I am? Am I living with as much honour and integrity as I can muster? What robes will I be carrying over to the other side?
And will the people gathered on either side of the gates of death say, ‘Jon was a good man. His was a life well lived.’
Will they remember me the way that, this week, we all remember Lewis?
These are not easy questions to answer.
Maybe you just do what you can.
But today I’m raising a glass for Lewis. I want to let him know that he’ll be missed. I want to let his family know that we’re thinking of them.
And when you get to heaven Lewis, start stringing up the nets. We’re not that far behind you.
Why do we value ‘honour’?
Christopher Howell says
Really well said Jon!! The skill of achieving outcomes is a big factor in self worth, but respect, integrity and honour are a more valuable community legacy .
Your blogs are great!
Chris Howell
NOYB says
We value honour and integrity as they are commodities that money, just can’t buy. Not even the best Judges in the land can buy it, and in many cases, they don’t have it in themselves to begin with, and that is a super sad indictment on our Judicial System. I took part in an Appeal to the Full Bench of the Federal Court against a CORRUPT decision by the presiding Judge in my Land Owner’s compensation case. However, the panel of three Judges squibbed their responsibilities and failed to deliver a judgment which truly reflected the legislation as it was written under sections 523 and 524 of the EPBC Act, and declared a partial invalidity of Peter (fuckwit) Garrett’s decision when he was the Federal Minister of the Environment, instead of fully invalidating it. And I know, that they know, that they’ve abrogated their responsibilities to the common citizens of Australia and are now bereft of any semblance of integrity and honour for the remainder of their lifetimes. And they won’t be able to recover it in death either.
sanjay says
May his sole rest in peace thanks for sharing your heart Jon I know how you feel, but as you rightly pointed out its all about honesty integrity love and passion
Mark says
Jon, thanks so much for baring your soul over Lewis’ passing. Death events do make us stop and take stock and Lewis would be proud of your contemplation of his passing and of his life and person. Your email brought tears to my eyes as I take stock of where I am at and in this moment know there are many things I can be doing better – not the outcome/financial/property stuff – but the family, partner, father stuff that I’ve been letting slip. Maybe my sadness at your story is more about me and where I am at but you have helped trigger a strong inward reflection response and for that I am very grateful. Honour and integrity are always at the forefront of my dealings with all I meet in business/property and at times that has been at the cost of things at home. Some balance is required. And some honesty/humility. Thank you and deepest condolences to you and yours and to Lewis and his.
Rudolf Ruyter says
Hi Jon
Yes, as you say, Lewis was a great man, but passing when in your 50’s is way, way too soon.
These are the years you & loved ones really think you are indestructible, as you & loved ones still together plan & prepare for the future with dreams about the fun to have in retirement many years away.
The emotional loss to those very close to him must be astronomical.
In my 50’s, I’ve been there, & done that, twice, died once and survived thanks to a few volts….
Many thanks to the dedicated medical professionals who allowed me to reach my current healthy age of 69 after 3 relatively simple heart operations.
And yes, after that you do really question how proud you are of the way you lived your life.
All values & perspectives change after such events with wealth & assets coming close to last on the list.
I am lucky to be able to look back and answer these questions,
fortunately with a big smile on my face.
Unfortunately Lewis was not able to personally answer them & smile…….RIP Lewis.
May I please please ask all who read this & in their 50s to have a cardio medical check up
as there are many many people out there who feel indestructible but are walking time bombs…
…..I was !!!!
Solutions to cardio problems are generally simple to ensure a ripe old age.
Don’t wait…pick up the phone & make the appointment NOW.
Love & peace to all
Rudolf
I
Mark says
Thanks for saying this Rudolf. I too had cardiac events at the ages of 40 and 44 – I’m 53 now. Very scary to say the least. Having experienced all that, I know my cardiovascular health now and all is good. I was one of those ticking time bombs and didn’t know it. Whether you are overweight or not, whether you are fit or not – makes no difference if your arteries are slowly getting clogged and you don’t know it. Have the check-ups as Rudolf suggests. Sad that Lewis didn’t get his second chance at life – he could have gone on for years. RIP.
Rudolf Ruyter says
Yes Mark..there is nothing more sobering than to wake up in hospital after having a Heart attack & operation with a jumper lead re-start and watch the tears streaming out of all your loved ones from fear & relieve at the same time…..brings reality and values into very clear focus immediately.
Wes Alfie says
Very touched by your Sad and Happy story at the same time!!! Yes we have to remind and face ourselves EVERYDAY with the reality that our lives in this world is very short. It’s really sad that we definitely miss heaps our beloved BUT it’s very joyful if we’ve got the belief and hope that their souls are really comforted by going to the eternal and true joy, and we’re preparing ourselves to join them soon. How can we get there unless we become humble first, revise our ways, and leave our selfishness and arrogance aside, so that we can be able to receive and accept the ultimate grace which is the right and true knowledge that will definitely save us from all the deceit and all the traps that surround us. Thank you Jon for sharing with us that memorable experience and thank you Lewis for being a great example to all of us.
Maraya Gutugutuwai says
Hi Jon,
Thank you so much for sharing about Lewis your mate may his soul rest in peace…..and also thank you for those uplifting words that really registered with me, it made me realise that we are only passing through life…..why not be the best you can be…..do not be a mediocre and the rest of my life will be the best of my life….Maraya G
ron goddard says
wow jonno,
down to earth. when you ‘go’ don’t worry. its happened before, trust me. your soul, spirit, life force whatever will move to another place. simple. at the moment ‘you’ are inhabiting a body..like no other no doubt, but still a living microorganism, composed of atoms and molecular structure. your spirit, soul etc. inhabits this pile of atoms etc. and gives it a ‘life force’ which is you dear jonno. i know that you are a very special ‘person'(your wife cannot do without you, or your kids), i hope.
so now to honour. is it a state of mind or a portrayal of one’s behaviour? probably both because one cannot live without the other, i think. now lets take a wee look at a scenario of people investing in property and getting ginormous rewards because they are smart. now to some people this may seem to be dishonourable, for reasons even i cannot fathom, and more notably you, dear jonno.
in today’s world it is ok to be gay and even get ‘married’. now to some bigots(like me) this is so far from reality and bordering on the dishonourable i find it not only dishonourable but grossly obscene(refer bob hawke). man was not made to procreate with another man. ask around. now lets see what marc antony had to say about honour. (from sheakespear)
‘friends, romans countrymen, lend me your ears,
for i have come to bury caesar not to praise him,
though he was an honourable man
AS ALL MEN ARE HONOURABLE.
now what marc antony was saying was that as caesar had many enemies, and friends(?) brutus, he maybe did not deserve to die because he was honourable enough like any other man. so thats like saying, if he was not honourable, who is? and who is to argue? certainly not the citizens of rome.
which leads to preceptions. if one is perceived to be honourable that is wonderful. but perceptions very from person to person. so maybe everybody wants to be considered ‘honourable’. but that comes with ‘reputation’. one thing about politicians, they are subject to the most vicious ‘scalpel’
: the media. remember gough whitlam? the media cut him to ribbons. but was he dishonourable?
not in my book. in fact he was and still is the best leader australia has had in a lifetime, but he got on the ‘wrong’ side of the media. so how do we value honour when the very essence of honour is subject to such variance in perceptions? to be honoured to most people comes after they have passed on, like your mate jonno. it becomes obvious after he has gone. and that is like most things in life, isn’t it? good article jonno. now do some reading about spirituality and get a new outlook on the indiginous ones who cared for and HONOURED their habitat. and the serpent.
Colin Glover says
Jon, its sobering and humbling when we are brought to account by something happening out of the the blue as we are just cruising along. Just think of the number and range of people who have been down that introspective rough road after witnessing Bourke St. And what about those millions of people who are continually being forced to question their legacy by virtue of where they were born. Although a lot of them, because of their circumstances, don’t have that luxury.
Initially one doesn’t have to make sweeping changes maybe just micro ones so that at the end of the day you can feel that you made a difference, some where along the way. Who knows where that could lead to as time goes on.
This event has already had a significant affect because it was enough to cause you to not bring out No B S, although, it still had a customary ad.
Remember we the readers still value your weekly input into our lives. Thanks and wish you well on the journey.
Tom says
Amazing, yet again, Jon. Thanks.
In recent years, thoughts such as these make us reconsider all the convenient concepts which drummed into us during our years of indoctrination.
I feel for the idealistic young rebels, whether they be Christian, Muslim or Calathumpian.
In our childhood, we accept, without question, whatever our community impresses onto our minds, whether in science, sociology or the esoteric etc.
In our youth, life is so intense. We search for meaning in our lives and are intolerant of any hint of BS, but we are still absorbing our instructors’ ideas of what it means to be human. We assume the verity of what our respected elders have so convincingly taught us.
I had the honour of being a classmate of the now infamous Robert Best. We were very sincere youths, seeking to have a meaningful place in our world. Obviously, each of us chooses our own path, setting goals and attempting to achieve them – with varying degrees of success at various stages.
Only later do we realise that our parents and the other respected elders had been wracked with doubts and questions regarding the “facts” which formed the basis of our indoctrination. Look at the difference between Sunday School religious ideas and the writings of the theologians. The latter question and analyse each idea. From our hearts, we mostly continue to accept unquestioningly those basic premises for the development of our philosophy of life. However, in any form of logic, if you start with a faulty premise, even perfect logic can lead to amazingly bizarre conclusions. One only has to look at the astounding array of dumbfounding fundamentalist ‘Religions’ developed in the USA, to verify this. Yet people wholeheartedly believe such ridiculous ideas, even to the point of suicide. They never get to realise that some megalomaniac has been manipulating them for an array of the basest of personal reasons – political power, sex, money etc.
We have evolved as social animals and as such are hot-wired to protect our fellows. It is literally in our DNA to look after those around us. Socially, this basic instinct is developed to structure a society, where the common good supplants the desires of the individual. Alpha males were the original leaders, while their virility was maintained, but were discarded in favour of the next powerful contender for the position.
Under their leader, a pecking order was established and the purpose of life was to rise continually through that order.
Alpha males were of course reluctant to surrender their position and over the years devised ways of maintaining their influential position, even into senility.
As the hominid brain expanded and became more and more aware of its surroundings, it was obvious to our ancestors that there are forces beyond their capacity to understand. The idea of “Cause and Effect” became obvious, but frequently, only the ‘Effect’ could be sensed. The ‘Cause’ was a mystery. Some clever old dudes took advantage of this and invented the idea of causal ‘spirits’ to fill in the gaps. Some forces of nature are evidently more powerful than others, so their causal spirits must be more powerful – “Gods”. All these spirits had great power and were first respected, then honoured, placated and worshiped. The clever old dudes established a system for all this, forming the primitive religions, to ensure their control of this aspect of community life – in perpetuity.
With the urbanisation of societies, more social control was required, to curb the primal survival instincts of the people. When it comes to the crunch, we instinctively look after number one, and our immediate family, often at the expense of the requirements of the wider society. So socially acceptable behaviour was rewarded and antisocial behaviour punished. Divine inspiration and command from above was invoked as the authority for this system of social control by the priests over the selfish, base instincts of the plebs.
Once again, the clever dudes set themselves up as ‘Priests’, as authorities in all things esoteric; and they passed down their knowledge and position of power to their descendents or disciples.
As communities grew, these clever dudes, often also the alpha males within the group, assumed “Divine Authority”. All this was very convenient for those holders of power and they held on tenaciously. As ‘States’ were formed, combining the tribes, the ‘holders of wisdom’ and the military masters often separated into two groups – Church & State – each with its own legal system devised by the gurus in power, basically to maintain their power over society and its wealth. Our recent examples of corrupt politicians and corrupt religious leaders only demonstrate that those in positions of power are just as frail and human as the rest of us; and their claim to “Divine Inspiration & Authority” is nothing but a sham, designed to control society.
The remnants of the youth in me smells BS all round.
I wish the Islamic suicide bombers realised that there are no virgins waiting for them on the other side. That is all just religious BS on the part of their power-hungry indoctrinators – power-hungry political wanna-be’s – deluded wolves in sheep’s clothing – probably, originally themselves victims of the same corrupt system of indoctrination which they themselves now peddle. Maybe sincere, but definitely deluded – “Start with a false premise…!!!”
Surely modern humanity is capable of seeing through the BS we are fed in childhood. But are we capable of accepting the truth??? Security blankets are so comforting and obviate the need to accept our reality.
“Imagine… and no religion too”
Maybe
Catherine van Wilgenburg says
Jon, what a beautiful piece of writing, its rhythm, feeling, deep message and intention. It is a relief to see such common sense and reality in a real estate blog where getting rich and richer is only a means to and end rather than the goal itself!! How wonderful to feel your psyche shift to a place of knowing your immortality; bringing you more powerfully into the present to add your knowledge and gifts for the benefit of others. You deserve every happiness and fulfilment as you work daily in your passion for real estate!
Katrina Smith says
What a gorgeous guy, and your heartfelt writing about him reflects that. He will be sadly missed. Basically, take a look at the nearest garbage dump, that’s likely where your stuff will end up, so while you’re here, act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with the source of good, God.
Pat Burke says
Hi Jon,
I appreciate what you’re saying. I play for a 45+ hockey team where most of us have known each other from at least our early 20’s (if not longer). We make jokes about the fact that we have a defibrillator at our home ground now; but you never know. We’ve haven’t “lost” anyone yet , but I think I understand your feelings. You’re not out there playing for sheep stations. You enjoy the competition and love the company you play with, and it’s a surprise when one of those people aren’t there any more.
Once again, Thanks for your words Jon and Take Care.
ron goddard says
hi jonno, i will try again.
i must have pressed the wrong button or not pressed at all. i wrote quite a masterpiece. however long story short; your experience is just that. a few writers have apparently been through the ‘grinder’ with heart problems. me too. driving to bunnings to get some cabbage plants late one arvo. and awakening in freo hospital two days later from an induced coma. my son(one of five) told me later that another minute and ..kaput!
14 days after : operation, triple by pass(at 73 years!) i did ask dr. sharma what were the chances of failure. he laughed(yes he did!) and said mr. goddard, one in a hundred. well its not the time to buy a lotto ticket !! i came through and went home 5 days later and was driving after another 4 days. i was told to wait 6 weeks. now my time is spent going through further education and enlightenment and writing b.s. on here courtesy of you jonno.
honour and valour! the mightiest and highest of ideals of man through the ‘ages’. remember marc antony as he addressed the roman crowd : (courtesy of shakespeare.w.)
friends, romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.
i have come to bury caesar not to praise him
for caesar was an honourable man as all men are honourable.
now what marc antony was saying was that caesar had honour like all romans..and who was to argue? so he was able to conduct the burial of caesar without disruption.
so we value honour as a free pass to respect and integrity. we all desire respect, even from our wives. your mate lewis now commands respect because he is leaving a big hole in the footy team.
why did you wait so long to honour him? sorry jonno, honour seems to follow men to the grave. its maybe a symbolism of our innermost feelings. we are suddenly dispossessed of a normal human being who has become a symbol of what we desire to be : but we maybe leave it too late to actually honour people in their or our lifetime. elite sportspeople are honoured through medallions and popularity. politicians are rarely honoured except after about 40 years or so when the truth comes out. bankers (banksters) are deservedly dishonourable…but do they care?
so jonno, with much respect, i read your article. it has definitely caused people to line up and give lots of emotion in their correspondence. good for them. and NOYB don’t get too annoyed. corruption is always most prevalent at the highest levels of ‘democracy’. one only has to look at the american scene. gross, blatant corruption not exhibited truly by a compliant press. the american population is getting wiser though and through truthful reporting from miner alternative sites has the ‘deep state’ running for cover. obama even has a ‘black house’ just down the street from the white house. true. and from there the elite are gunning for trump. but….you will not hear or read about it in our media in oz. . ..the ‘deep state’ or elite or whatever they are, have honour as the last item on their list.
ron goddard says
hi jonno, this is my third try to discuss.
Suzsi Welch says
Jon, imagine that Lewis was here today.
Would you say to him, to his face, what you have just said about him now that he has gone?
Probably not.
And yet you had years that you could have said something.
So may I suggest (to everyone) that you say to those friends and family that are here, how much they mean to you in those little inspiring ways that they have – whilst they are still here to appreciate your thoughts.
I always think how sad it is when somebody passes and the eulogy is so wonderful. And yet the person who would have appreciated it most can’t hear it. So tell everyone while you have the chance
“I really like the way that you …”