No B.S Friday: It’s hard to be this awesome all the time.
I’ve been a bit of a scratchy old dog lately.
I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe I’m a bit under the weather. Maybe it’s just the relentless grind of lockdowns.
Whatever it is, I’ve been an unpleasant place to be.
(Yes I meant that. Back off grammar nazis.)
I mean, it’s not its usual laugh a minute fun being me. It usually is. I enjoy being me. I’m kind of hilarious. And kind of awesome.
I’m having a good time over here.
But lately, I’ve been a bit bitter. A bit scratchy.
Not so much on the outside mind you. I’m sure most people wouldn’t notice. I still know how to perform the usual social courtesies. I tip my hat to the ladies. I help old ladies across the street and into their dumpsters.
But inside of me – in my thoughts – I’m a bit scratchy.
For me it manifests as a sort of judgyness. Like, I saw a couple pushing a cheap pram along the road the other day, and I caught myself going “Pffft. Trailer trash.”
It was a horrible thing to think. And totally judgemental. I didn’t know those people at all. And they weren’t doing me any harm. I had absolutely no reason to lob a judgy bomb at them.
And I guess I caught myself because this isn’t a normal thought pattern for me. My thoughts don’t normally go to judgy places. They don’t normally go to other people at all.
So I tried to pull myself up by boot-straps. “C’mon Jon. Don’t be so judgmental. You’re better than that. You only judge others when you judge yourself, so practice a little self love so you can love others.”
Have we talked about this before? How judgement of others emerges out of the judgement we have of ourselves. Judgment is a projectile weapon. I’m sure we’ve talked about it.
But yeah, the theory goes that if you want to be more generous and loving with others, start by being more generous and loving with yourself.
But this kind of self talk didn’t work.
Because I was just tired.
When the organism gets tired it gets defensive. It knows it doesn’t have the energy to fend off a sabre-toothed tiger, and so it starts trying to anticipate threats and fend them off before they get too close.
The organism gets scratchy.
And the only reason why I’m mentally lashing out at people in my head is because my organism feels tired and it’s feeling defensive.
So all the self-love affirmations in the world wouldn’t have made a lick of difference because at the end of the day, I’d still be tired.
So this is my little reminder for the week.
Don’t try to solve for judgement and self-love without starting with energy and a feeling of abundance.
That’s the first step.
And just don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re not the most wonderful version of yourself you can be when you’re tired and run down.
We’re all just doing the best we can.
Even those wonky-arse pram numnuts.