An over-emphasis on job titles and fame keeps us from living the rich and enjoyable lives we’re meant to live. Is there a way out?
I’ve never been sure about the advice “You can be what you want.”
It’s fluffy and it feels nice, but it’s not really true, is it?
Say I really want to be a prima ballerina. Even if I found my current passion for lycra and tutus earlier in life, it’s a destiny that was probably never in my cards.
I just don’t have the genetics for it.
Ballerina’s need a rare combination of a lithe physique and powerful muscles. These dwarf-warrior legs of mine might have power, but no one’s going to pay to see me in tights.
Same story if I wanted to be an opera singer. Owls come hunting for frogs when I sing in the shower. Vocal range wasn’t a gift I was born with.
And so ‘you can be what you want’ just isn’t true.
And a generation of kids who’ve grown up on this sweet smap just don’t know what to do with themselves.
“I thought about becoming the Prime Minister, but then I thought, why settle?”
I think at the heart of this sentiment though is a core I can believe in. And that’s the idea that you should never let anyone limit you or tell you what you can’t do.
I’m a big believer in that.
But I don’t think ‘you can do what you want’ is exactly the antidote. I think a better mantra for Sesame Street might be, “you need to decide for yourself what you can’t do.”
Take a look at your own gifts and talents, and decide for yourself if you’re smart, fast, handsome… whatever. And then choose your own life path accordingly.
“I alone will decide my limits.”
(And finding out where your limits are is one of the great adventures of life.)
But the other place this falls off the rails I reckon is the emphasis on ‘be’. I don’t think actual job titles have that much to do with life satisfaction. Is your average plumber happier than your average accountant? Does a famous sportsperson live a more satisfying life than a small-business owner?
Who knows? It’s completely up to the individual and their particular job.
We know what kind of things make jobs more enjoyable – things like autonomy, a sense of meaning, challenge, drawing on your creative talents… etc.
You could find jobs with these qualities at NASA and the ATO.
So why do we get so hung up on job titles? We ask our children what they want to ‘be’ when they grow up. We push them to pick something from the small number of generic jobs they understand (fire-fighter, baker…), and we want them to start identifying with it.
Crazy.
A better way to go is to ask what ‘qualities’ they wan to develop as they get older. Do they want to be brave, caring, adventurous, happy, driven…?
These are exactly the questions we want to be asking our selves too. It’s not about what we “do”. Is about “how” we live.
Do we have autonomy in our lives? Do we have a sense of purpose? Do we feel challenged? Do we get to express ourselves creatively?
These are the things that matter – that make us happy. Focus on these qualities, and let the ‘do’ fall into place.
In a way, kids are already switched on to it. Ask them what they want to be, and these days they say “famous”.
We live in an age that idolises fame. Even though we’ve seen the train wreck that the lives of Britney Spears and McCauley Culkin have become, we’re still drawn to fame.
Seriously, can you imagine anything worse? Photographers popping up everywhere you go.
“Shock: Jon Giaan’s beach body. Looks like someone had a good Christmas.”
It looks like hell on earth, but now it’s the number one thing our kids aspire to.
You could argue that they don’t really understand what it’s like and what fame involves, and I think that’s right.
So what is so appealing about fame?
Well I think fame is really a cluster of qualities – qualities that you can connect back to some pretty fundamental human needs.
Obviously there’s elevated social status – which ties back to security and safety.
Then there’s recognition – which comes back to connection, acceptance and a sense of self-worth.
And then there’s probably the lifestyle appeal – flashy shiny things, fast cars and aeroplanes –the ability to live in some kind of materialist paradise.
Now there’s nothing wrong with wanting any of these things- they’re pretty basic needs. But I think we can agree that ‘fame’ is probably to worst possible route to achieving them.
And so again, I reckon bring the kids back to the way they want to live, and the kind of beings they want to be. Teach them to value connection and show them that the way to build it is by putting energy into the personal relationships.
Teach them to take pride in what they do, and that success is measured by how hard they worked, not whether random people thought it was any good or not.
And let them enjoy their sensual pleasures. Teach them that the life is for enjoying, and in an abundant world you can have the lifestyle and all the things you want to enjoy. Sign them up to my blog.
But most importantly, teach them to bring their desires back to these fundamental needs. Teach them not to get too caught up on what they’re going to ‘be’, or how others are going to think about them (which is what fame really boils down to.)
Teach them to get in touch with what they truly desire. If they can get clarity on this, then they will find freedom in the world.
Teach all the kids this way…
… including yourself.
So what are you going to teach yourself and how is that going to make this the best year of your life?
al says
Take
a look at your own gifts and talents, and decide for yourself if you’re smart,
fast, handsome… whatever. And then choose your own life path accordingly.
YEP ! “I alone will decide my limits.” says it all – no more antidote or complicatedness required.
Helen says
you are raising the bar early in 2015 Jon – your best NOBSF yet I say! Must go – I need to sign up my 5 year old & 2 year old to your blog.. Cheers, Helen.
Helena says
Such important points, though I think that measuring success by how hard you worked is a different trap; one that can trap you into devaluing the things you are best at, and that come easiest …
Hamish says
Why would you comment on “You can be what you want to be” by immediately listing off the stuff that you do not want to be?
ruthfrombrisbane says
I’ll pay to see you in tights, Jon
Steve Christo says
Absolutely brilliant jon. I’ve been teaching my two boys since they were 3 the joy of putting a good days work on a building site … they love driving excavators and pouring concrete (real wog boys!!!)… and I paid them (unlike my old man).
The boys are now 12 & 13 years old … have worked, saved and bought their own laptops and other goodies and LOVE coming to work with me. Now we are at a stage of “… every time you think about telling me about your rights … think first about your responsibilities … to the project we are working on, to the family, to your mother, even the responsibility to look after and protect your own body particularly your head (I HATE SKATEBOARDS).
I love watching them grow and trying different things and figuring out what they are good and what they are not good at. Reading your NO B.S. ideaology today made me feel like I’m a good dad and I may just be on a good track with my boys. They are looking forward to ‘achieving’ things now rather than ‘being’ something … Thank you for making sense in this ‘sometimes’ nonsense world.
Keep it coming & Best Regards,
Steve
Ms D Dicks says
YOU ARE A GOOD DAD!!! Congratulations!
Steve Christo says
I’ll pay you NOT to post an image of you in tights !!!!!
But I would like to see you again at a Mesiti seminar.
Andrew M says
Jon! It’s not too late to become a prima ballerina! Join the trocks!! They are an all male ballet company who tour the world and they wear tutus and pointe shoes and perform well known ballets. They are not lithe but they do a remarkable job of looking beautiful – it’s amazing what a costume, a wig and some makeup can do! If you havent seen them perform you must go to see them!
Anyhow, you are absolutely right that we should not be trying to ask kids what they want to be, as that implies that they will be doing some particular career for their whole life which is rarely the case these days. Perhaps a better question to ask is what they would like to do – ie ‘I would like to help starving people’ or ‘Id like to write a book’ or ‘Id like to star in a movie’. Then it’s more about what they’d like to experience not what career label they want to give themselves.
John from Perth says
It is a real problem high school kids not knowing what they want to do for a career. My son had no idea what he wanted to do through high school and that made it hard for him to be motivated. I got on his back to study and didn’t allow him to take the soft subject options so he gained a decent university entry score and plenty of coarse options and now has a successful career that he enjoys. He hated me being on his back to study but now is please I pushed him to work hard. I think parents now try to stay friends with their kids and allow them the soft options and it doesn’t do the kids any favours as they need to be prepared to face the realities of life. Asian tiger parents are the other extreme, and there are plenty of them around. Some kids are motivated naturally and don’t need to be pushed, some need to be pushed. They all need to be supported and encouraged and to know they will have to stand on their own feet as mum and dad are not there to look after them once they finish their education.
Ralph Sinclair says
Reading what you had on the first page sounds like if it is your way of thinking that you and I will get on well. Are you going to be at Pullmans in Cairns on the 25th as well?
Jennifer says
Thanks so much Jon for this post. Our 5 and 2 year old will benefit immensely from this and thank you for all your posts, they are all absolute gold.
Keith says
Once again I couldn’t have put it better myself. I remember telling my son at a young age what a load of crap the the statement “you can be anything you want to be” is. At a very early age (2.5yrs) my son showed a strong interest and aptitude for music, particularly the violin, and now at 21 he is at Uni studying violin. Back then he also played soccer which he really enjoyed, but regardless of how hard he tried he was never going to be as good as a couple of the “natural” kids, he just didn’t have the physique or natural ability (which he does have for violin). So I agree that telling kids they can be anything does more damage than good! Identifying your interests, strengths, abilities and work from there.