Dust off the tin hats folks, I’ve got a new conspiracy theory for you.
Let me rub my crystal balls on the couch and take a little look into the future.
(Disclaimer: I’ve got no idea if it’s true. I’m just repackaging the facts to tell a different story. This is purely for entertainment purposes.)
Ok kids, the story goes like this:
Coming into 2016, the wheels of the global economy were coming off. America had just seen one of the greatest transfers of wealth from public to private hands in history – as Quantitative Easing took money from future generations and funnelled it into the markets.
In doing so, it created a massive stock market bubble, as companies used cheap credit to buy up their own shares, lining bank profits all along the way.
Banks were happy. People, less so.
The corrective measures that had followed the financial crimes of the GFC actually turned out to be actually quite profitable for the criminals, as it happened.
At any rate, nobody believed that the stock market was sustainable. A crash was a question of when, not if.
At the same time, the European project was coming to pieces. An economic union that forced vastly different economies into bed with each other had been a nightmare for smaller economies. But for the some of the bigger economies, like Germany, who were now effectively operating with a massively undervalued exchange rate, and had unfettered access to expanded consumer and labour markets, it had actually been awesome.
Best Oktoberfest ever.
But it was all coming undone.
In Australia, the unwinding mining boom had found a replacement in a construction boom. However, that construction was aimed at providing foreigners with investment-grade apartments (=tiny shitboxes), and anger over the lack of affordable housing options for actual residents was bubbling over into tabloid anger.
And around the world, anger against global trade deals like the TPP (which allowed corporations to sue government if they did anything that infringed on profits) was growing. Both presidential candidates in the US were campaigning against it.
People felt like they were getting screwed. They were angry and starting to wake-up and push back.
This was bad news for the Space-Lizard Illuminati. They didn’t want people waking up. They didn’t want people feeling like they were entitled to anything like actual democracy. They didn’t want trade barriers to go up and for the money flows to stop.
What to do?
Proving that every crisis is an opportunity, they prepared the case for MORE globalisation, not less.
And so for a while, they fanned the flames of a populist backlash. The energised and emboldened their opponents.
And it let them have a few big wins. First up, it gave them Brexit (in a surprise, almost suspicious, victory that nobody saw coming).
Britain, as a nation, was allowed to turn its back on the new world order. Through 2017, populist movements in France and Italy also went on to have major victories.
Then there was Trump. In another surprise victory, Trump defeated his rivals for the Republican nomination with surprising and devastating ease. With a very unusual free-kick from the FBI just 11 days out from the election, he took his campaign platform of people-focused trade deals and groping women straight into the white house.
Meanwhile, in Australia a resurgent Pauline Hanson joined with a disaffected Tony Abbott to form the “Australia, Mate” Party, with major victories across several state elections.
Everything was going to plan.
Because at the same time as the space-lizards were energising resistance, they were also controlling the media to construct a very specific narrative.
That narrative said that populists like Trump and Hanson were nothing more than simple-minded, racist cave men. It went to great lengths to point out that their concerns were not legitimate gripes with the distribution of wealth and resources, but just a mentally dysfunctional dislike of brown people.
Hipsters lapped it up like kittens on babycinos.
And with that, all the pins were in place.
And with that, the whole show was allowed to fall over.
It started with one of the European banks. Surprise, surpise, they were insolvent. From there, one by one banks across Europe toppled. Then America. Then China. (Governments threw a shit can of money at them along the way, and their executives were all put out to a lovely pasture in the French countryside).
The US stock market – which had been jittery all through 2016 – went into a nose dive. European and Asian markets followed close behind. Billions in wealth evaporated. Several large super funds went to the wall.
It became known as The Great Evaporation.
And then the finger-wagging started. We left you alone for 5 minutes and looked what happened. You pushed back on globalisation and look where it got you. Are you happy now?
You thought you wanted more equality of opportunity, fairer trade rules, protection of the local environment and individual sovereignty. You thought you wanted global corporations to pay tax and to stay out of local politics… Well, have you learnt anything now?
This is why you can’t have nice things.
And don’t blame us, we weren’t driving when the whole show went off the road. Blame Trump. Blame Hanson. Blame Brexit.
Here, listen to this morally righteous hipster.
And with that, resistance to unfettered globalisation became permanently associated with the stench of racism and economic disaster.
You just couldn’t get it off your shoes. You couldn’t even talk about it without someone comparing you to Hitler.
Effective opposition to their plan for global domination was permanently scuttled. And the space lizards laughed and laughed.
What do you think kids? Nice story?
As I said, I don’t know if it’s true. But stranger things have happened. I’m just going to pop this one up here for the record. Let’s check in next year and see how it’s all played out.
See any holes in the story?