Dust off the tin hats folks, I’ve got a new conspiracy theory for you.
Let me rub my crystal balls on the couch and take a little look into the future.
(Disclaimer: I’ve got no idea if it’s true. I’m just repackaging the facts to tell a different story. This is purely for entertainment purposes.)
Ok kids, the story goes like this:
Coming into 2016, the wheels of the global economy were coming off. America had just seen one of the greatest transfers of wealth from public to private hands in history – as Quantitative Easing took money from future generations and funnelled it into the markets.
In doing so, it created a massive stock market bubble, as companies used cheap credit to buy up their own shares, lining bank profits all along the way.
Banks were happy. People, less so.
The corrective measures that had followed the financial crimes of the GFC actually turned out to be actually quite profitable for the criminals, as it happened.
At any rate, nobody believed that the stock market was sustainable. A crash was a question of when, not if.
At the same time, the European project was coming to pieces. An economic union that forced vastly different economies into bed with each other had been a nightmare for smaller economies. But for the some of the bigger economies, like Germany, who were now effectively operating with a massively undervalued exchange rate, and had unfettered access to expanded consumer and labour markets, it had actually been awesome.
Best Oktoberfest ever.
But it was all coming undone.
In Australia, the unwinding mining boom had found a replacement in a construction boom. However, that construction was aimed at providing foreigners with investment-grade apartments (=tiny shitboxes), and anger over the lack of affordable housing options for actual residents was bubbling over into tabloid anger.
And around the world, anger against global trade deals like the TPP (which allowed corporations to sue government if they did anything that infringed on profits) was growing. Both presidential candidates in the US were campaigning against it.
People felt like they were getting screwed. They were angry and starting to wake-up and push back.
This was bad news for the Space-Lizard Illuminati. They didn’t want people waking up. They didn’t want people feeling like they were entitled to anything like actual democracy. They didn’t want trade barriers to go up and for the money flows to stop.
What to do?
Proving that every crisis is an opportunity, they prepared the case for MORE globalisation, not less.
And so for a while, they fanned the flames of a populist backlash. The energised and emboldened their opponents.
And it let them have a few big wins. First up, it gave them Brexit (in a surprise, almost suspicious, victory that nobody saw coming).
Britain, as a nation, was allowed to turn its back on the new world order. Through 2017, populist movements in France and Italy also went on to have major victories.
Then there was Trump. In another surprise victory, Trump defeated his rivals for the Republican nomination with surprising and devastating ease. With a very unusual free-kick from the FBI just 11 days out from the election, he took his campaign platform of people-focused trade deals and groping women straight into the white house.
Meanwhile, in Australia a resurgent Pauline Hanson joined with a disaffected Tony Abbott to form the “Australia, Mate” Party, with major victories across several state elections.
Everything was going to plan.
Because at the same time as the space-lizards were energising resistance, they were also controlling the media to construct a very specific narrative.
That narrative said that populists like Trump and Hanson were nothing more than simple-minded, racist cave men. It went to great lengths to point out that their concerns were not legitimate gripes with the distribution of wealth and resources, but just a mentally dysfunctional dislike of brown people.
Hipsters lapped it up like kittens on babycinos.
And with that, all the pins were in place.
And with that, the whole show was allowed to fall over.
Plop.
It started with one of the European banks. Surprise, surpise, they were insolvent. From there, one by one banks across Europe toppled. Then America. Then China. (Governments threw a shit can of money at them along the way, and their executives were all put out to a lovely pasture in the French countryside).
The US stock market – which had been jittery all through 2016 – went into a nose dive. European and Asian markets followed close behind. Billions in wealth evaporated. Several large super funds went to the wall.
It became known as The Great Evaporation.
And then the finger-wagging started. We left you alone for 5 minutes and looked what happened. You pushed back on globalisation and look where it got you. Are you happy now?
You thought you wanted more equality of opportunity, fairer trade rules, protection of the local environment and individual sovereignty. You thought you wanted global corporations to pay tax and to stay out of local politics… Well, have you learnt anything now?
This is why you can’t have nice things.
And don’t blame us, we weren’t driving when the whole show went off the road. Blame Trump. Blame Hanson. Blame Brexit.
Here, listen to this morally righteous hipster.
And with that, resistance to unfettered globalisation became permanently associated with the stench of racism and economic disaster.
You just couldn’t get it off your shoes. You couldn’t even talk about it without someone comparing you to Hitler.
Effective opposition to their plan for global domination was permanently scuttled. And the space lizards laughed and laughed.
What do you think kids? Nice story?
As I said, I don’t know if it’s true. But stranger things have happened. I’m just going to pop this one up here for the record. Let’s check in next year and see how it’s all played out.
See any holes in the story?
Michael Fordyce says
Lets hope you aren’t correct!!!
Annette the Aussie says
My heart says: ‘ Noooo, this can’t be happening!!!’, my head says: ‘so likely, more than just a grain of truth.’
peter says
My former boss, a man with a double doctorate who was on a first name basis with international experts in his field (epidemiology not economics), told us that 9 times out of 10 what you think is a big conspiracy turns out to be big fuck-up instead.
Jon Giaan says
ha. i’m going to use that. i don’t think too many people have gone too far wrong underestimating human intelligence.
ron goddard says
the mind boggles. spacelizards? now just who IS running this show jonno? what don’t we know? we have 70 or so or more years to figure it while we organise a life with kids.etc. (and a wife) who is here to guide us little mushrooms? good story jonno, it will make some of us think again. maybe spacelizards are terrified of us humans and don’t wanna meet us. shame really. certainly the elites think that we are idiots, but what can we do? internet has opened doors. but what do we find inside? a morass of info. how do we interpret this info.? what perspectives appear to each one? people are never encouraged to discuss politics and religion. it was taboo from when i was 17 years until now at gatherings to discuss such things, so we get ‘dumbed’ out most of our lives. revelations about religion and other icons are really disturbing now that such things hit the headlines. angry? no. humanity is rife with barbarism and terror, and has always been. royalty, aristocracy etc are the result of might is right. people ask me : are there any decent men(or women) who can ‘run’ the country? no, i say, not while we have dictators in
royal clothing and aristocratic garb etc. run the show. so we then turn to fairytales. cheers
swerveut says
As a brown person, I reject the idea that opposition to economic policy and hatred against a bogey man brown guy should be packaged in the same box and that both must go to bed together otherwise you are a hipster. Thats just stereotyping and name throwing, and lack of substantial argument. Interesting prediction for the coming future however where the haves think brown people=economic nightmare=something to be opposed publicly otherwise you are a hipster comparing them to global warming. Sorry but I didnt like this post at all.
KiwiAl says
Sorry, I don’t get that logic. I think he did put it into context:
“… just a mentally dysfunctional dislike of brown people.”
I don’t see hatred there at all. But I guess it could be taken in different ways.
Kerrieann Tivey says
hahahaaa – awesome!!!! probably so close to the truth its down right scary!!!! Well written – i loved it!!!
Macca says
Good read Jon. Bit of fun on a Friday lunchtime. In some ways I wish it could be true – at least that would mean someone’s in control, planning, strategising, executing a master plan. It would mean there’s more going on out there than just chaos, stupidity, greed, and criminality. Unfortunately I think that’s the reality, and the challenge is simply to understand it, try and best guess how it’s going to behave, and do our best to navigate through it, and maybe along the way cop a few crumbs.
Jon Giaan says
Yeah, I think that’s exactly why conspiracy theories are so seductive. Evil is less scary than chaos.
Eeeooo-EeeOooo says
So Jon, have you been reading
“The Gods of Eden” by William Bramley?
It’s a long read and pretty interesting if you can get through it. Written quite a few years ago, but says something very much like this. Not a nice thought, but it really does seem like everything is being pulled into a vortex at the moment. And once vortexes get started, they usually gather strength…
We may be living in “The Last Days” but how long they will go on is anybody’s guess. The thing is, do the Space Lizards give a damn about Earthly currency or even real estate?
I think it’s only our DNA that’s of interest to them. And I’m sure they’ve already got plenty of that…
KatM says
Even D. Trump referred to the “bubble” nearly a year ago. Just how and when it pops might be something to bet on. Certainly a lot of us are going to get covered in slime.
Jon, I liked the your opening sentence but images of balls rubbed on crotches could not be erased from mind’s eye. Must be the effect of listening to test cricket.
Jess Young says
I think you might be right Jon…for most part anyway. Only two days to go now but I think Trump will win. “What Donald Trump says, his vow to ‘drain the swamp’ of career politicians in Washington should resonate when you see the ‘family tree’ of influence surrounding the Clintons. Not that it would ordinarily be any different on the Republican side. The Bush ‘family tree’ is just as widespread and influential. If you can take one thing out of Donald Trump’s presidential run, it’s that he’s perfectly happy to lift the lid on the scum that dwells within and beyond the halls of power. It means that folks are getting a real look into how politics, and political influencers, really work…and just how dirty a game it is”.
william bennett says
Jon, you were on the money earlier in the American race to the White House, I believed like you that Trump was onto it, you changed your mind ?? Why was that, I stuck with it and look at the result,Trump had something special in his campaign to offer the disenfranchised peoples of the US, as the wall street jockeys and the very very poor were the only people benefiting from the Democrats elitist policies. It warms me to think that ultimate power when required is still in the hands of the forgotten majority.
DRAINING THE SWAP is not only applicable in the US but here in AUS too. A revolution has just been played out in America and about time too !!!
Antonio says
Go Trump.
What’s next John?