The stoics said the key to happiness was managing expectations.
Misery comes from expectations.
I’m going back to my stoic roots to help me keep my sanity in these crazy times.
And this is one of the key insights from the stoics.
Misery comes from expectations.
Think about it like this. Imagine someone gives you an apple.
That’s kinda nice. Apples are good.
But let’s put it in context.
You’re in a 5-hat restaurant and you’ve ordered Japanese beer-fed steak and a bottle of bubbly.
They come back and say, “Sorry Sir, all we can give you is this apple.”
You’re not happy now right. If you’re like me, you’re probably going to say some stuff that will put you on a black-list for the next five years.
But let’s imagine another scenario. You’ve been sleeping with your best mate’s wife for the past ten years. He calls you up and says that he’s got something to “give” you.
You’re mind starts to panic, but then he comes round to give you an apple from his tree.
Suddenly that apple is the best thing in the world.
So the context matters. Your expectation matters. The apple has a certain quality in and of itself. Apples are objectively pretty awesome.
But how much happiness you get from that apple really depends on what you were expecting.
And so this is where stoics put emphasis.
Happiness and misery are in large part determined by our expectations. If things go much better than expected, we are very happy. If they are worse, we’re miserable.
But – and this is an important but – we have the ability to control our expectations.
Our expectations are within our control – or at least within our sphere of influence – and in that way are an important leverage point in creating a happy life for ourselves.
I’m feeling this in myself right now. Melbourne has gone into six weeks of hard lockdown. I’m really bummed about that.
But part of my misery comes from the expectation that I was building – the expectation that we were coming through Covid, and life was about to get back to normal.
If I didn’t have this expectation – if I had another expectation – like if I was expecting 12 weeks of lockdown – I would be having a very different experience.
And so the discipline here is get our expectations of life anchored.
You can expect to have a happy life of abundant material comfort, or you can expect to die cold and alone with stage four bowel cancer.
If you choose the expecting painful death route – then every day you’re alive is a cause for celebration.
Seneca, a famous Stoic philosopher who, as the adviser of Nero, was actually very wealthy – he suggested that we should set aside a certain number of days each month to practice poverty. Go without food, wear your worst clothes, get away from the comfort of your home and bed.
Do what you can to anchor your expectations. Keep your eyes open to the grim and brutal realities that are the staple of human life.
If you can do this, then even simple pleasures will bring you great joy.
And in that way, this is a hack. It’s a way top reprogram your mind so it is primed for happiness.
Ask little, enjoy much.
And bring your happiness under your own control.
JG.
Helena says
Understand what you say.
Tell me how you organise your expectations to still remain happy, when the dictator Government says in 6 weeks time that you can côme out of lockdown ONLY if you get the Vaccine that will have a Contact tracing chip in it and God only knows what else. ?
Have you looked into the disasters results of the Covid Vaccine so far?
What decision will your loved ones make, (my 18 and 21 year old sons) and how will l manage my expectations in regards to that?
How are you going to organise your expectations on that Jon?
l would really like to know, thank you.
V says
Can you see below what you are causing, Jon?
Sebastian says
Yeah Jon, – but it’s all “Kinda- Relative” , and this line of thought all kinda reminds me of when I was 16 again, … And didn’t know what the hell a Stoic was. I used to perpetuatly go round being a pessimist (long before ‘Goths’ & ‘Emos’ !!), – always expecting The Worst, so that way Things could always only get, And Look -Better! … ” Meh !” ~After enough Positive Motivational ‘Gurus’, it dawned on me, that this was infact, pretty much only akin to putting a blindfold on over my eyes, And Then – claiming ‘how black’ things always were!!
Good for listening to your Depeche Mode & Killing Joke records, but it’s not what the above PMGs were avoccating. Granted, it has it’s Philosophical Value, ie., Always Try to keep things in Perspective. But as the DeMartini, & Dyers etal., of the world would suggest, Your Mental-Health may Benefit MORE from the “You’ll See It ~When You Believe It”-Philosophical Approach!
Things May Not Be Good Now, But That Shouldn’t ‘Inspire’ You To Go And Expect The Worst, -Just So When It Doesn’t Occur, – That You Can Suddenly “Feel-Better”!!
To “get our Expectations of Life Anchored” shouldn’t be -“the expecting (a) painful death route”!! (Not unless you’ve Extreme Masochistic tendencies!-?)
I wouldn’t suggest that anyone Expect S4BC, just so that every day that they are still alive, – without such – “is a cause for celebration”-!! One Should Always Be Careful Careful WHAT One Wishes For! (Incidentally, Depeche Mode do infact, have a song entitled “Black Celebration” !) So, by All Means -possible, DO – Expect a Happy Life, -but just realise that, if it were “A -Constant 24/7 Happiness Scenario”, – and that if there weren’t a little sadness ‘thrown in for good-measure’, – then you’d have nothing with which to compare, juxtapose, the good times against!
Yes, ‘I get’ what you’re getting at, but I feel that you have to be careful as to how you word it, or others can take it wrongly! I believe that The Expectation DOES Matter, but I would argue, perhaps (& also Stoically!) The Context, – Moreso!
So by all means, DO Expect a Happy life, remembering that “God’s delays, are not God’s denials!” … ‘Not never, – just not Now!’ Or as I was told as a kid by unreasonable parents, “Wait Your Patience-!!”
Things may be Uncomfortable now, but as that Journey song goes, -“Don’t Stop Believing” (that Better is just around the corner) and to “…Hold On To That Feeling!” (Keep on Expecting … The Best!!).
And so now, ‘that God is in his Heaven, & all is well with the world’, – before finally putting this to bed, (winding up the clock, and putting the cat out!) – speaking of Greek Philosophies, when Pandora had unleashed all the other “miseries”, from her box, – there, at the bottom (the lowest point!) still remained Hope! “Hope, Springs Eternal (ly)”!! Now, go and do ya best Steve Perry impersonation!
(Ryan Holiday s’ ” Daily Stoic. com ” , maybe something you’d like to subscribe to.)
Sebastian says
Yeah Jon, – but it’s all “Kinda- Relative” , and this line of thought all kinda reminds me of when I was 16 again, … And didn’t know what the hell a Stoic was. I used to perpetually go round being a pessimist (long before ‘Goths’ & ‘Emos’ !!), – always expecting The Worst, so that way Things could always only get, And Look -Better! … ” Meh !” ~After enough Positive Motivational ‘Gurus’, it dawned on me, that this was infact, pretty much only akin to putting a blindfold on over my eyes, And Then – claiming ‘how black’ things always were!!
Good for listening to your Depeche Mode & Killing Joke records, but it’s not what the above PMGs were avoccating. Granted, it has it’s Philosophical Value, ie., Always Try to keep things in Perspective. But as the DeMartini, & Dyers etal., of the world would suggest, Your Mental-Health may Benefit MORE from the “You’ll See It ~When You Believe It”-Philosophical Approach!
Things May Not Be Good Now, But That Shouldn’t ‘Inspire’ You To Go And Expect The Worst, -Just So When It Doesn’t Occur, – That You Can Suddenly “Feel-Better”!!
To “get our Expectations of Life Anchored” shouldn’t be -“the expecting (a) painful death route”!! (Not unless you’ve Extreme Masochistic tendencies!-?)
I wouldn’t suggest that anyone Expect S4BC, just so that every day that they are still alive, – without such – “is a cause for celebration”-!! One Should Always Be Careful Careful WHAT One Wishes For! (Incidentally, Depeche Mode do infact, have a song entitled “Black Celebration” !) So, by All Means -possible, DO – Expect a Happy Life, -but just realise that, if it were “A -Constant 24/7 Happiness Scenario”, – and that if there weren’t a little sadness ‘thrown in for good-measure’, – then you’d have nothing with which to compare, juxtapose, the good times against!
Yes, ‘I get’ what you’re getting at, but I feel that you have to be careful as to how you word it, or others can take it wrongly! I believe that The Expectation DOES Matter, but I would argue, perhaps (& also Stoically!) The Context, – Moreso!
So by all means, DO Expect a Happy life, remembering that “God’s delays, are not God’s denials!” … ‘Not never, – just not Now!’ Or as I was told as a kid by unreasonable parents, “Wait Your Patience-!!”
Things may be Uncomfortable now, but as that Journey song goes, -“Don’t Stop Believing” (that Better is just around the corner) and to “…Hold On To That Feeling!” (Keep on Expecting … The Best!!).
And so now, ‘that God is in his Heaven, & all is well with the world’, – before finally putting this to bed, (winding up the clock, and putting the cat out!) – speaking of Greek Philosophies, when Pandora had unleashed all the other “miseries”, from her box, – there, at the bottom (the lowest point!) still remained Hope! “Hope, Springs Eternal (ly)”!! Now, go and do ya best Steve Perry impersonation!
(Ryan Holidays’ ” Daily Stoic. com ” , maybe something you’d like to subscribe to.)
PS
Scrap or Forgive 1st posting and it’s Perpetually spelling mistake.