We’re not meant to do this alone. The journey is easier when we feel supported, so take the time to invest in the ‘tribe’ that supports you.
“How was your Christmas with the family this year?” I asked my friend a little while back.
“Oh, yeah. Not bad. We didn’t have any punch-ups this year, so that was good.”
No matter how much of a disaster Christmas has been, no matter how many times I’ve had to grit my teeth and smile through the same old stories, I’ve never had the holy day descend into a bar brawl.
The number of “punch ups” has never factored into my opinion of whether Christmas was a success or not.
It made me realise that the fact that I generally enjoy Christmas – that I actually look forward to catching up with the extended family – makes me one of the lucky ones.
There is this fierce primal power in families. They are a house to our earliest and most primal emotional selves. And when the bonds of blood are severed, like splitting the atom, all hell can break loose.
But for the same reason there can be a great constructive power in family as well. And for every high-profile family feud, there are stories of successful dynasties passing power down through multiple generations.
The world is a scary place. There’s no point pretending otherwise. We are fragile, soft (and in my case flabby) organisms. I don’t have a shell, claws or fangs. I don’t even have enough fur to keep away the cold (and the fur I have is increasingly in the wrong places.)
But what we lack in armour and weaponry we make up for with the three great human assets:
- A massive brain (most of us)
- Opposable thumbs (“How’s life Fonz?” “Aaaaaay. Still got thumbs.”)
- Strength in numbers.
We are a tribe species. Our evolutionary success has depended on our ability to get along together – to cooperate with and protect each other.
We instinctively reach out to others. We instinctively build networks of support. We instinctively protect the young and old. These aren’t learnt skills. They come naturally to us.
So if we become isolated from our tribe we start to feel, in those most primal parts of our brain, very naked and vulnerable.
So one of the most lamentable aspects of modern life is that we have been driven further and further into smaller and smaller units. Institutions of collective expression have been undermined and the individual is now the only entity that matters.
Loneliness has become an epidemic.
And with loneliness comes a deep, unshakable fear.
The conspiracy theorist in me wonders if this is some kind of evil Illuminati plot orchestrated by Wall Street and Fox Sports. Isolated and scared people are easier to manipulate – are less able to resist attacks on free speech, human rights, the community. And they make for more compliant and passive cogs in the global money machine.
But I think the truth is actually much more boring. We are victims of our own success.
This is the safest age in history. Your chances of being eaten by something are practically zero. The chances you’ll die a violent death are tiny. In some eras of human history, if you died of old age you were incredibly lucky.
But this age of safety has made our tribal muscle soft. We don’t feel such a strong drive to band together. And the bonds we do have feel more disposable.
If our relationships aren’t helping protect us from common dangers, we start to wonder what we’re getting out of them.
We start to wonder if the effort is worth it – why we’re putting up with these stupefying conversations, why we’re listening to the same old stories year after year, why we let those little monsters run all over the good couch.
Our view of relationships becomes more self-interested. “What am I getting out of this?”
But that deep part of our psyche that needs to belong – that needs to know that the tribe has their back – it doesn’t go away.
And so if we sacrifice our tribal connections to pursue our own unique path, a subtle insecurity starts eating away at us.
And we can try and bolster our defences with the sandbags of a stronger police state, gated communities, capital punishment for bread-theives etc, but it never quite scratches that itch.
Without a sense of belonging, we’ll always feel naked and vulnerable.
(You know I’m just making this up right? I don’t actually know how the mind works. At the end of the day these are just pretty ideas…)
So like all good things in life, ‘belonging’ is something you need to invest in. We need to put time and energy into our relationships – endure the occasional sacrifice, get involved in the occasional punch-up.
If we do, then we’ll enjoy a greater sense of safety – a deeper sense of peace. Then, if we’re feeling relaxed and easy, we’ll make much better decisions. Most importantly, we might actually be able to stop worrying and enjoy life a little more.
And all that’s before we even touch on the power of cooperation. At Knowledge Source, I know that the community of like-minded investors with a wealth of experience to draw on is every bit as valuable as the knowledge and skills we help deliver.
When you step out on the property journey, and when your friends are telling you you’re crazy, a community of like-minded people on the same path as you, with similar experiences and aspirations, is worth its weight in gold.
You need to know someone’s got your back.
So… have you called your mother lately?
Colin Glover says
Boy have you struck a chord here. All the more reason why your forbidden to give up “the cult” of BS Fridays. More on the scourge of loneliness http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/14/age-of-loneliness-killing-us
Jon Giaan says
whoa. lonliness kills more people than obesity? ouch.
Mike says
This is insightful for someone just talking about ideas. My wife is a psychologist and here is some second hand information about social anxiety (a very crippling and prolific condition).
In our primal mind (the bit in between the part that controls breathing and the part that thinks about how we look naked) we still appreciate threats in the same way that we always have. It’s why when you are walking alone at night you feel more vulnerable than when you walk with a group of friends or in the day. We still instinctively draw safety from numbers, even though most of the threats in the modern western world don’t affect that way.
Social anxiety stems from a fear that some part of our nature will cause us to be socially ostracized, which to the primal mind, equates to a real threat of death.
It’s why people with smaller groups of friends tend to suffer from these conditions more than those without.
Jenny Kennedy says
Hi Jon
I think this is why people join social media, like facebook, etc, so that they feel more engaged, even if they aren’t really. I also wonder if that may be part of the reason people in their 20’s and 30’s are staying home longer, apart from the financial aspect?
Great post – definitely food for thought 🙂
Cheers
Jenny
Sowrabh Behl says
I think social media does more harm then good.. there is always the ‘look at their life, its so cool, why can’t i be doing that…’ not realising that in that moment that their life is good, but they too face the mundane aspects of their life… not to mention that once you find out something through facebook, you have little incentive to call to chat to that person anyway… I’ve reduced my FB usage altogeather… its more isolating then it is empowering..
Graeme says
Wow… the rest has done wonders, Jon. What a great article and for me well timed. It has been one of those weeks… so thank you
Tom says
Yet again – Another GOOD ONE JON!!!
In passing, you touched on the erosion of our liberties.
George & Tony are hell-bent on crippling the Aussie Spirit even more.
Why do politicians think that a Nanny State is so desirable? They need to go and work for a month out in the open in the Bush. Then they would appreciate feeling FREE!!! Most of them have never had a real job!!! Since debating on the SRC during their Uni days, they have never had to WORK for a living. They are almost without exception products of urbanisation.
Where will this movement end up?
Thankfully, I’ll be senile or dead within a few years, so it won’t bother me. But I fear for my Grandkids!!!
Andrew M says
Only problem is everyone in my family including my mum and dad are on a completely different wavelength to me in terms of success and supporting me in the things I am interested in. I am a big believer as I am sure you are that you are influenced by the company you keep. It makes it really hard to have regular conversations with any of them when they are filled with negativity and cynicism about anything I want to do or am doing with my life. Personally I am not interested in mediocrity and the cookie cutter life (get a job, get a house, get married, have kids then you die), and my parents and family are not educated enough or interested to become educated in what makes a successful investment venture, so the best thing I can do is avoid them because they don’t have my back when it comes to things I want to do, and find some new friends who do support what I do. This can be hard but I think it highlights the importance of finding a diamond club or whatever they’re called, a group of people that meet and discuss investments etc and support each other in these ventures.
It is an infortunate part of the human psyche that we can often get stuck in our beliefs and refuse to change or accept new ideas as everyone in my family has chosen to do.
nina says
It seems so familiar to me,for a moment I thought it’s me you talk about but unfortunately there was made and
it will be made progress with or without some people who do not want to change.
Bron Nichols says
I really enjoyed your entry today – very true and very applicable – even if you were just making it up!
Sowrabh Behl says
Being of asian heritage this is one of the hallmarks of our culture… I’ve been grown to believe in strength in unity and from personal experience I say whole heartily agree. However, Australian culture is quite different. They believe in freedom and independence over family unity and togetherness. We take care of our elderly and there are so many people that don’t understand why we don’t just throw our elderly in a retirement home… why not?
because that’s not what we do.
jason says
hey so true,it’s also old school respect for your elders.I grew up around a lot of Greeks who also have a strong family unit and was always jealous because I had a step father I hated,and it took me 40 years ,a solid partner and my awesome twin boys to feel the comfort of family,I’m also closer to my mum now.
Reza Layeghi says
Yes just thinking about getting involved in a property club in Sydney…what do you think, like minded people?
Reza
Nicko says
Pretty ideas have hit the nail on the head
Al says
Hi Jon – it’s really a ‘monkey mind’ and it is actually ‘tribal or not at all’ – look at it squarely and you will see safety in numbers is still the basis of each ‘splinter group’ – it’s the mind (that you claim is a saviour) that still seeks for a self chosen tribe (regardless of family dna) and chooses association to the considered ‘next best option’ available, (according to all immediate or extended multiple social factors) and decides what and where it wants to station itself at or in the vastness of all the
collective ponds, we may choose from. We are generally so unconscious to this
process we never re-test our stoic resolve ‘reflect’ on the rut to the point that we go on until the rubber band snaps and or partner ‘takes the bulls horns’ or ‘we’ do.
There is no ‘in between’ and or for very long as there is ‘nowhere to hide’ ‘anymore’ and it always was a bloody lonely place and not how we are made. We can swap anyone for family when agreed and the real power of our mind is that we can ‘adapt to any manner of live-able change’ when the will to live is kept safe even if ‘jailing – hospitalising’ ensures that is so. When you say ‘it comes naturally’-you are referring to ‘survival’ – that condition is not a sacred human sanction, every living organism knows about ‘the final end’ thing.
Show me any one aware ‘conscience’ that does not ‘fight like GODS wildfire’ in that ‘spot’ and you will have found a ‘lamb’ that trusts(?) beyond all self consciousness or self fear awareness which heals ‘your’ true important reflections and points at; –
“Loneliness has become an epidemic – and with loneliness comes a deep, unshakable fear. The conspiracy theorist in me wonders if this is some kind of evil Illuminati plot orchestrated by Wall Street and Fox Sports. Isolated and scared people are easier to manipulate – are less able to resist attacks on free speech, human rights, the community and, they make for more compliant and passive cogs in the global money machine. But I think the truth is actually much more boring. We are victims of our own success.”
A person with too much time on their hands may show how ‘right AND wrong’ you are about ‘all’ those points. I am currently blessed and cursed (as I own no property – land – have ‘no chains round my neck/feet’ and ‘sift/cook my rice’) in a rental one room for $205 a week’ and see, yes WE ARE collective ‘victims of our own success and yet I fail to be willing to share mine as it is, a humble collective sanction and yet it is not hard to see tragedy anywhere else, as there are poor and homeless having no food and shelter in our own country without looking any wider and, if you are truly minded about what you put forward as sincere, then you may soon arrive at some of your own truly fairly unique, expressions of equal merit views as if own.
What is that view? perhaps ‘loneliness’ is where times of expertise exist for next graduation by those ‘with no money’ and when ‘worn out candidates of financial
survival/superiority at all costs’ get knocked down on their knees’- is that when they learn all about why ‘humans are still the one and only enigma’ due to $moneys$ ‘universal’ but not indelible dichotomy exists – why- what is it ? am I getting at ? –
Perhaps the ‘epidemics will win the war’ (saving the drug Co’s stop keep pumping out all the new disease’?) as population control is their (contiguous reflex) answer, never fails to amaze – two hands full, ‘make a problem’ – choose a native garden – plant the seeds, wait a while(?) and then miraculously sell the just found ‘answer’ but let a enough ‘post cards’ be sent out and there you have it ‘instant’ exchange validity in another product supporting the future financial returns of the company and everyone is happy save all people, which ones is the question and the answer is of course, the pyramids and their keepers of the lonely ones bank accounts
No BS Friday is the name of the day and I could say I just have -time and internet’ on my side, write from my place of longer future views and say ‘hey where is that’?
Never do I take your posts personally, I understand most people are reluctant in an application of the wide views they may be ‘able to see’- because to embrace the widest views means giving up the security they ‘can see’ but will not ‘go ahead’ and trust doing anything beyond all security already existing now for that person, it MAY affect that vital ‘existing’ (?manufactured?) security and then what – , (and oh! for goodness sake? who wants to be starting to make the fortunes all over again)??
We do remain the only unevolved species on the planet and to ratify that, we are raping/pillaging it/us daily – why? Scarcity is a primal memory that we seem unable to shed and hoarding is the silent cohort to that. What childish or/and impecunious intellectual prowess the mass consciousness is goaded into serving pyramid caps.
If you doubt that, look at the order of (what was existing,) BEFORE ‘our insecurity owned the world’(?) but how, none of this earth is ‘own-able’ – it is all a privilege, its FINITE we are/must be ‘caretakers’ or we will leave no home for any of our future
children and what price will a basic home be then – ‘fear for the future generations
is not really our problem’ yet – but in my no B.S. Friday view, it’s ‘not if – but ‘when’ will we look collectively forward for them as not being obliged to a debt of failing our own stewardship of this one and only known home that must find a way to see the classic ending of a decimated world or is the polar opposite – the collective living library of all ‘creations’ – ie: get rid of the archaic “ownership of land” for any price –
It seems an insult or nightmare to our future generations, otherwise will they have to wage war on a grand scale just to sit down and say they own ‘that 50 square m’ at latitude 18.245 degrees south 10.5 hours+ G.M.T east of Greenwich? Can you imagine that as a “No B.S. Friday” post being sent out in about 3-4 “X?” of your family tree of generations past your own current posts? .. in our collective future our current visions are so extraordinarily flawed that we cannot see skyscrapers falling like tooth picks into the ocean on our east coast and central desert lands simply filling with the ocean as they were long ago – head for the hills is an option but who and how is that enough in this country? – I am NO prophet of doom but I say think like a ”humane person” and look beyond the stupid views and act like a world that does not always need to make money to die overtly rich – HOW much is it anyone can really need on a daily basis and drop the facades of importance as we are all supposed to be here as we are NOW – it is the ‘blind side’ that get’s us every time- how many previous gregarious and huge ‘ancient’ cultures/societies have come and gone before us – we are always just grains of sand and we know nothing about the worlds beyond our little blue bubble in the cosmos and everyday we want more and more security to be sure we ”have made it” – to where? if it was or is heaven we had better make sure we change our ways – we are obsessed with ownership and money they are our biggest delusions we all get so hung up on and we act like sheep and think we have made it … that’s no bullshit ask any dead person this Friday that may not notice,that has read this well intended but obviously contentious diatribe that I have now finally resolved needs to be finished as I will concede has a point – even it is not about shoring up my ‘asset’ base despite I have worked my butt off for 40 years and have not got a ‘concrete pad’ to cover up the ground that I would rather have to stand on as concrete has so many negatives it is almost as bad as my never ending comments – how’s that for a get out line this no B.S. Friday? P.S. my lap top is not running well either so I have covered that but no stress on me passing on any ‘issues’ – I have seriously good ‘protection’ = o.k.! JON – thanks for ‘the door’ have read you for many years and remember your willingness to help others has always been the point – p.s. I will be back at work when ‘Doc’ says that I am well enough to ‘pick up my shovel’ again – I wish you all abundance and prosperity – go for it – see you all there – I will bet you will not believe that ! …
Jill says
Hi Jon,
Loved your article, my family is the one that has the Christmas punch-ups. They also have Tall Poppy Syndrome, therefore would love to know if there is any property clubs in Perth where we can bounce things off people with out being look at as up ourselves.
Tash Clyne says
Wow Jon, this is exactly what took me half an hour to try to communicate to you for your feedback post, and why I’m so grateful to you. You are brilliant and your like-minded community has changed so powerfully the individual who is me! Most importantly too is that I now live with true purpose, and I think a lot of people’s woes today come from a lack of purpose.
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