Conflict is a part of life, and part of the journey towards negotiation win-win outcomes. But if conflict and uncomfortable for you, I’ve got just thing thing…
You should go out and pick a fight with someone.
Before I go any further I need to put in a disclaimer.
I am not a psychologist or a personal boxing trainer. This information has no regards for your personal circumstances or ability to hold your own in a fight. Please seek cross-fit training advice before acting on information presented here.
That said, go and pick a fight.
This was the advice I gave a friend of mine the other day.
Now I’m not advocating violence. But my advice to her was that she should go and seek out some conflict. She should find someone she has some disagreement with and thrash it out.
As a training exercise.
Pretty radical advice right? You should hear the advice I gave her on weight loss.
But hear me out. It’s not that crazy.
I won’t say her name. Let’s call her Joan of Arc.
Now Joan was a bit of a soft touch. That’s her own self-evaluation. She felt like she was always being pushed or bullied about.
She had a hard time saying no.
And so she hated running into those charity spruikers on the street. She hated being asked, ‘do you want fries with that?’
She got a sign that said ‘beware the dog’ just to try and keep salesmen out.
Her house was full of stuff she regrated buying, or felt she had paid too much for.
Generally, she had a hard time standing up for herself.
And why?
Joan is a chronic people-pleaser.
The desire to please people is not a bad thing. Not at all. It’s a good thing to care about other people’s happiness.
But in Joan it was chronic. Chronic in the sense that the desire to please others over-rode her desire to please her self.
Now this gets a bit tricky here, because it starts to sound like we’re describing a virtue.
But if you’re constantly pleasing others at the expense of yourself, you’re going to feel betrayed. You’re going to feel let down.
And you’re going to resent other people’s happiness.
“They’re not locked into the same self-sacrificing moral code I am. It’s not fair. “
And so I think it comes down to managing your resources. Life will present you with countless opportunities to make others happy. The art of life is learning how to pursue those opportunities in a sustainable way – in a way that doesn’t deplete your energies and leave you feeling used and unloved.
The way Joan felt.
And its about being a bit intelligent in those choices as well. Does the man at your door selling porcelain poodles really need your money? Is it the best use of $100? Wouldn’t you be better off giving that money to charity and not fill your house with more crap?
But for Joan it wasn’t a rational process. It was instinctive. She instinctively tried to please people. Even if she didn’t know what they wanted or needed, she’d instinctively adopt a self-sacrificing stance. She’d convey a willingness to sacrifice what she wanted so others could have what they wanted.
This made her very popular, but it was like blood in the water for crooks and con men.
And why did she do it? That’s a good question.
Maybe it was something she learnt when she was young. Maybe she had an explosive father and she was always just trying to stay out of the way. It was a strategy she picked up early and it just stuck.
Or maybe it was because she felt unsafe and insecure from an early age. In her fear, she was always trying to keep people close to her. To keep the peace in her social networks. Even if it meant sacrificing of herself.
Or maybe it’s cultural. Maybe it’s that proud British tradition of mindlessly valuing manners over everything else.
And it seems common enough in Australia to think that the Anglo cultural baggage probably does have something to do with it.
And maybe it’s just a combination of factors. I can have my armchair psychologist opinion, but I wouldn’t listen to me.
The question for Joan though is what do we do about it.
And that’s where we come back to my advice. Go and pick a fight.
But that’s not it exactly. It’s more, stop running from situations of conflict, or situations that might put you in conflict. Actively seek them out.
If the check-out chick over charges you 50c, make a point about it. Take it as an opportunity to practice your people skills.
Because for Joan, conflict is deeply uncomfortable. So if the waiter brings her the wrong meal, she’ll rather just eat turkey, than point out that she’s vegetarian.
But conflict happens. It’s a part of life. And often-times, conflict is part of the journey towards win-win outcomes. It’s part of discovering what the other parties needs and wants are, and being clear on your own.
Rushing to please others closes the door to the best possible option for you both.
So Joan, IMHO, needs to get comfortable with being in conflict, and learn to be clear and strong in what she wants for herself.
She doesn’t have to be a dick about it. But that’s the point. Conflict isn’t a sign that there’s a problem. It’s not a sign that someone’s wrong, or someone’s being a pain in the arse.
It can often just be a temporary step on the way towards the best outcome possible.
And it’s a necessary skill if you want to stop be reliant on others for your success.
If you wanted to practice your conflict skills, where would you go?
Graeme says
The world is made up of lions and food… if you don’t stand up for yourself then you are telling the world that you are food. So don’t blame the lion for eating you just because you didn’t eat him.
Daniel says
An excellent topic. I too, was like Joan once upon a time. I bent over backwards to keep others happy and my reward at the end was feeling like a doormat. Something snapped and I eventually found new courage to stand up for myself. Don’t get me wrong, it still brings me joy to know that I can do things for others when they need help most, but the difference now is that I know when and where my help is needed. As a result I now receive respect and admiration instead of being taken for granted. Don’t be afraid to do things on your own terms at times.
Jason says
A backwards way to become a good negotiater.
Simon says
Poor Joan needs to pick a fight with a chicken or fish, stand on her back legs and reclaim her place in the food chain
Reza says
Jon
I believe problems appear on your way for you to resolve and by doing so you grow stronger as you put each problem behind you. Every time I encounter a problem I ask myself, alright what is there for me to learn: I get to work using all avenues legally and morally open to me to solve the problem at hand. I say life with no problem is boring, we should have some once in awhile to get our muscles practiced.
Cheers
Reza
Lisa Maree says
I started working in retail!
Icarus32Soar says
This is the single most inspirational letter of your ever!Great stuff, I started this approach a few years ago with family and colleagues after decades of self-effacement. Guess what? It works, now people see me instead of a means to their ends. But Jon, dear, do you have to use phrases like the “check out chick”?
Tom says
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Hear here Icarus, (or Icara?). It is one of the inexplicable anomalies of life that quite out of the blue, certain information or answers to even undefined questions just pop up!!!
So often a book on a charity street stall, or a comment on a radio interview will hit the nail right on the head!!!
“Some occurrences in life are too much of a coincidence to be purely coincidental.”
Some would attribute this phenomenon to Jung’s ideas of ‘Synchronicity’ or a-causal relationships.
Others would say that it comes from our mental screening of incoming signals, selecting for our attention those which are relevant to the current operations within our subconscious mind – like hearing somebody across the room mention one’s name, despite the music of a noisy party going on.
Personally I suspect that there is another, more mysterious relationship connecting ALL life.
Despite training as a scientist, where physical measurement is the basis of testing any theory, I am convinced that there are some esoteric relationships and connections for which we scientists have no explanation. Dowsing works! How??? Some more sensitive than most are gifted (or burdened) with a sixth sense, or premonitions.
For me, my acme arrived in the form of the healing modality Reiki – “The Universal Life Force Energy”.
As far as I know, no scientific explanation has ever been put forward; but it is demonstrably effective, even at a distance, by telepathy. My Reiki Master can sense when one of us sends her Reiki and what’s more, she can often tell exactly who is sending it to her.
My point is that there is a realm of communication, beyond the current reaches of science, which connects us all. Some refer to the inanimate ‘ether’ or to an esoteric entity which may even be given a name such as ‘Gaia’. Others, particularly those who are disillusioned with the constructs of the major MAN-made religions, like to think of this collective entity as god. The possibility of other ‘dimensions’ of existence is also canvassed by some. Modern Physics is becoming very esoteric. Read “The Tao Of Pooh” or “The Dancing Woo Li Masters” and you mind will explode as if in a fireworks shower. The possibilities are mind boggling; and the more we learn, the more we realise that there is so much more to be learned.
I strongly recommend the practice of Reiki to anybody who is searching, or has concerns for another’s wellbeing.
Icarus32Soar says
Icarus is an avatar,no need to try to pin down my gender, just saying! Yeah, I’m a woman but so what? None of us choose what and who we are born so it’s not an issue. I only sweat the stuff I am responsible and accountable for.
I adore the Icarus myth, because it epitomises human bravery, intelligence, daring and folly all at once,much more realistic and believable than the ritualised wussiness of the Adam & Eve “fall from grace”. I mean come on! Put a “tree of knowledge” in the middle of the Garden of Eden and then “instruct” grown ups not to touch it?
Thank you for your reply, which is very interesting, and I will look at the Reiki approach which I’ve heard of but don’t know much about. I’m the other way, I have a humanities and linguistics background and have been reading science constantly for years.
I love Lovelock’s approach to the whole planet as a single organism approach in the Gaia theory, but do we really need such fancy intellectual footwork to see that everything on the planet is interconnected and everything affects everything else?
My science reading has given me a confirmation of the power of evidence and a rational approach to the patterns of nature, indeed to life!, but also the confirmation that some things are just chaotic and impossible to predict. Nothing wrong with that approach!
I completely subscribe to Occam’s Razor, that the simplest explanation is usually the best. I have applied it to my own life and it’s by far the single most effective improver of relationships!
Yeah, maybe there are higher mystical connections out there, I keep an open mind, or maybe it is, after all, just plain old coincidence. No need to multiply our entities beyond necessity!
Cheers
Tom says
Merci beaucoup Cherie, I love your mind!!! Thanks for coming back. Life demands we all be searchers after wisdom. Agree wholeheartedly with your conclusions. Survival has caused our brains to work on a cause and effect approach to problem solving. Inexplicable phenomena were put in the “Too Hard” basket. In various cultures, clever dudes decided to profit from this mess, setting themselves up as priests, surrounding themselves with supposed ‘Divine’ authority and ‘traditions’. These were developed and borrowed from neighbouring and preceding cultures. Because these clever dudes were generally also the social leaders, held in place by the military, they were predominantly (& dominantly) male; determined to dominate, they established convoluted systems for male domination, which last to our day. Each ‘inexplicable’ item was given a ‘divine’ cause. The observed effects often involved very powerful forces. So the anthropomorphised ‘god(s)’ had to be very powerful – passing authority to their ‘chosen’ representative – even over life & death. Fear of the afterlife became a very powerful tool in the control of society – heaven/purgatory/hell, mortal sin, indulgences – You name it!!! They used it!!! — and still do!!! All male Hogwash!!! Bugger the women & kids!!! Literally!!! Power corrupts. It always has.
Fortunately, universal education and the power of the pen are gradually liberating more and more of us from these old forms of oppression, spiritual, physical & emotional. Unfortunately, there are still too many who either cling to their positions of usurped, unwarranted power or lack any appreciation of their potential, preferring instead to hang on blindly to their security blanket. Thanks to these, the male-dominated, misogynous, homophobic power bases of the Roman and Ottoman Empires (and their various offshoots) will hang on for a while yet.
Acceptance by the group is generally the pull factor – followed by a feeling of belonging. Irrational acceptance of the theories follows later. “It feels right – so it must BE right. I’m converted. I’m prepared to trade my right of self-determination for this wonderful feeling of belonging – even if it leads to another Waco or Jamestown!”
Going it alone, one can get quite lonely, engendering a hankering for the old security blanket!!! I love a quote, supposedly from Albert Schweitzer, “To your own highest convictions be true!!!” What more could be asked of us by any ‘god’???
Jack says
I absolutely love helping people particularly those less fortunate but I also help the very well off, trust me I’m a Mortgage broker.
But what I really love is taking on the big Banks and belting them around the ears.
But what I really really love is taking on Politicians, but honestly it’s just getting too easy, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.
Over the last five years I have given it to quite a few, my favourites are Tony Abbott(worst Prime Minister this country has ever had), Juliar, second worst Prime Minister we have ever had, my favorite favourite though has to be Christopher Pyne(The perfumed Poodle) don’t you just want to SNOT him right in the nose, I do regularly by email. I’m very balanced though I’ve given plenty to Emerson, Snortin Shorten and other Labor luminaries, Barnaby Joyco(time for him to hit the road in a caravan).
My latest target though is going to be Malcolm Turnbull he’s been a great disappointment, somewhat of a wannabe who’s just not prepared to have a go and get back in the ring and punch the Mad Monk all around the ring and anywhere else he can land a decent low blow. Steve Showboat received a bollocking from me only this week.
There, after that I feel fantastic, who can I take on next? If I was interested in religion it would probably be Cardinal Pell.
No Cheers
Jack