Seriously, bro. Give it up.
This story cracked me up.
Some university scientists were trying to do a study on the way internet porn consumption affects the brains of young men.
They had the program. They had the technology. They had the funding. But they had to give it up.
Why?
Because they couldn’t find a control group. You can only isolate the effects of porn if you compare brains that have watched porn with those that haven’t.
But they couldn’t find any brains that hadn’t.
No matter how hard they searched, they literally couldn’t find any young American men who didn’t watch internet porn.
(I think there were men out there – on Amish communities and so on. But if you’ve grown up in a radically different cultural environment, that means you can’t be part of the control group.)
And so they quit.
I find this kind of staggering. Like, I’m sure there’s a lot of guys out there watching porn. I expected them to be the large majority.
But everyone?
Partly it makes me roll my eyes and laugh. Oh humanity. You go and build the internet – a vast neural network, almost capable of holding a transcendent human consciousness, and what’s the first thing you go and do with it? Pipe porn into every home in the free world.
Brilliant.
But part of this also makes me a little scared about the future. And I’m not moralising here. I snuck a few glances at the titty mags at the barbers when I was a kid. I’m not one to throw stones.
And what people do in the privacy of their own homes, or how many homes they’re slipping on into is totally up to them. Bodies were made for having fun. Knock yourself out kids.
But what worries me is what this does to our idea of “normal”.
Porn, in case you haven’t been introduced to the internet, is unrealistic. For the most part, the sex that it goes on there is some sort of strange, alien, hairless humpy-pumpy. The “actors” have unusual or even artificially inflated proportions, and their acrobatics have more to do with visual effect than they do with anyone’s sensual pleasure.
(Though I’m sure they do love each other very much. All 8 of them.)
So it’s not normal.
But then, what is normal? Well, I could invite you over to my place after a bottle of red and Daniel Day Lewis’ Last of the Mohicans, and that might give you some idea. But one swallow does not a summer make.
A sample of one doesn’t give you an idea of normal.
And that’s the interesting thing about sex. We’ve made it such a private affair, that nobody really has any idea what normal actually is. For centuries it was hidden behind taboo, and we only started unpacking it in the 60s.
But it’s still a very private thing. And so into this void steps Hollywood, with perfectly made hair and no kids banging on the bedroom door, and porn.
For curious kids, these things become the templates of normal.
Poor buggers.
But if I can guarantee one thing, the quickest way to misery-town is to compare your own mundane experiences of life to glossy, cleanly-shaven ideals.
It’s like I was talking to a mate of mine. He was saying that’d he’d lost interest in sex – well, with his wife at least.
And I said, mate, you’ve got to get off the porn. Don’t do it to yourself. You spend all this time watching 20 year old acrobats bouncing all over the place, what do you think’s going to happen when you’re wife shows you her soft-like-a-well-loved-sofa body?
You’re constructing a standard that no woman could live up to. AND you’re constructing a standard that your own life has no hope of living up to.
If you set your benchmark at cheerleader Nair commercial, you’re always going to come up short. You’re always going to feel that your life isn’t just making it. It’s always going to be disappointing.
So stop it. Don’t do it to yourself. Stop beating yourself up/off.
Now you might say, but I’m a rational being. I know that porn is unrealistic, and so I don’t let it affect my expectations.
And to that I’d say, bullshit. We’re talking about some deep stuff here. (The sex drive is designed to bypass the mental circuitry.) It’s way deeper than you can intellectualise.
And I’m not just talking about porn here. Your brain is constantly taking a stocktake of the world around you. What is happening? What do other people have? How are other people doing?
Through that process you construct an idea of ‘normal’.
But you don’t get to consciously control that process. That’s a background function.
The only hope you have of controlling it and setting your benchmarks at realistic levels is to control the input.
- If you want to feel beautiful, don’t read “beauty” magazines that feed you images of unrealistically beautiful people.
- If you want to feel successful, don’t compare your life to celebrities, or the filtered versions of people we see on social media.
- And if you want to have fantastic sex, don’t train yourself to think that 7 gridiron players and the pizza delivery girl is ‘normal’.
And so I’m talking about porn, but I’m really talking about our ability to feel grateful for all aspects of our lives.
Remember that billions of people live without clean water. Billions live on the smell of an oily rag. For most of humanity, this is normal.
You have a lot to be grateful for.
But the only way you can maintain that perspective is to control your input. Intellectually ‘getting it’ isn’t enough. You need to wind back your idea of normal.
You need to consciously ask yourself, is my experience of the world, through whatever media I engage with, realistic?
If not, how do I make it more realistic?
The more aspects of life you can do that in, the happier you will be.
And seriously fellahs, I know it’s hard, but give it up. You’ll thank me later.
Are you consciously regulating your idea of ‘normal’?
Sow says
exactly what i needed to hear.
sanjay says
??? ceacked me up Jon I dont watch porn an the reason is simple I did rather use that energy and time to make more money and have adventures with family and kids
peteatport says
The kids of today will live until they’re 150. Imagine how fit they’ll have to stay if current Porn becomes the norm!
Suzsi Welch says
Whatever you watch (on TV – You Tube, etc) is entertainment. It’s fiction. If we remember and remind our kids that this is not Normal – whether it’s watching Superman, NCIS, or Porn. That it’s all done by Actors and camera angles and clever editing and rotten scripts. Bottom line – laugh and forget it, it isn’t real.
AlCan says
>>Whatever you watch (on TV – You Tube, etc) is entertainment.<<
How true! (Such a rare thing these days!) I hope you're including the "News" there. So hard to know what is true these days.
Everything is becoming about making money, by exploiting our weaknesses in one way or another. Porn is a classic, as above. So is food. Just look at the glossy advertising for the impossibly perfect "Franken-Food" (e.g. beautiful, shiny, smooth, unblemished, ultra-red, toxic-laced apples, oranges, tomatoes, you name it!)
How about the glitzy plastic packaging for most other "foods". All processed to death, with negative nutritional value (sugar, fat, salt, MSG overloads), but "great tastes!
Partake, and suffer later…
The same formula, every time.
Good topic, Jonboy!
Dijana says
Love it John. We all have addictions and habits and self monitoring is absolutely the way to go to keep perspective and make good use of the short time we have in life. Thanks for the reminder
ron goddard says
hi jonno,
i did look at the start up images, then they wanted MONEY!! so i thought maybe i look at my wife more often:-) looking at life is another dimension. you see i do visit many older people and get their take on their existence. they are mainly women because the men wore themselves out worrying about being a provider and carked it early. and suzsi welch is almost entirely correct. suzsi you didn’t include the ‘news’ in your collection of tv stuff. i reckon most of what you see on tv is a dud. trouble is most of the population gobble it up. and what is normal? what everyone else does of course. so be yourself and stuff the attitudes and cultural wants of the rest of the population. its what makes you happy is important, as long as its legal and doesn’t upset or offend anybody else. there is a term named ‘sheeple’. are you one? cheers, ron
i am not being smart here. its a term that is used throughout the known world for people who behave like sheep, speak like sheep etc. etc. etc.
cW Wil says
Well said. Porn is destructive unhealthy and ruins lives. Plenty of medical research out there showing the negative effects on the brain and a person’s life. There is a better way!
Simon says
Psychology today; ‘But, groundbreaking new research says that it just ain’t so, and that people who are problem users of porn are actually people with high libidos, NOT people whose brains have been warped sex and porn.’
Avoid church based ‘facts’ they cause you to judge other people.
pieter christofersen says
Jon,
This has been a touchy topic in my life.
My first marriage was sex-less almost straight after I signed on the dotted line. My idea for my life was not to repeat my fathers mistakes by sleeping around and producing more children than was listed on his medicare card so I turned to porn … release the stress and get back to work.
I ran into hard times financially during GFC #1 and lost everything when the banks did a backflip on us in the middle of a development. I lost my tools, my car, my credit rating then my property then builders licence and worked hard to ensure I didn’t lose my mind.
Slowly but surely my first wife WAS going nuts and just kept screaming at me. I would spend however many ‘minutes’ I had with my young children enjoying their company when and were I could … they really kept me alive. By night, it was porn that let me have a moment or two to feel good.
Seriously, it was 3-5 minutes.
I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. I don’t do bars, clubs or brothels. I just work (12-15 hours a day) and I took a few minutes in private (on average 3-4 times a week) get to get some endorphins flowing through my blood stream (to make sure my body remembers what ‘happy’ feels like) and to make sure I don’t get so down that I make the mistake of ending it all.
I was half a million in debt … had a bad credit rating … didn’t have much to look forward to for well over a decade .. couldn’t even scrape up enough to pay for one of my boys to join the U10’s Rep team even though he was selected by a former socceroo.
I know porn is unhealthy for the weak minded who think that everything they see on a screen is real and attainable but I learnt from Dymphna about 6 years ago that the first step to success is to throw the TV out the window. I didn’t … I just stopped watching it. I think I’m strong enough to ensure my subconscious is not programmed to ‘sheeple’ status.
I also think that sex and the pleasure of close physical contact with another human (irrespective of persuasion) is one of few remaining “free” pursuits in this life … almost any other type of endorphin rush in our society today is linked to handing over large wads of money.
I’ll be 44 tomorrow and am officially divorced from first wife and have a great relationship with a lady who is as busy with her business as I am with mine… and she never raises her voice. For me, this is bliss. I don’t see my boys very much (now 12 & 13) because of games by ex and I don’t want to drag anyone through court but I miss them dearly. I can’t do much about that situation but I can focus on my new love and do my damndest to ensure she knows (and sees through my actions) how much I love her.
I find that I don’t do porn so much anymore. Perhaps once or twice every couple months. It was a great backstop when I was down. It was a nice companion when I wanted to celebrate a small win. I have some momentum in business now and a great home environment.
Porn does not rule me or my diary. It does not distort my view of what I or my partner should look like or what position to bend her over into or how fast or rough our love making should be. I think I’m one of the lucky ones … I’ve found a life partner whose ideals and values match mine and she loves to be loved as much as I do. I feel for a few mates who still haven’t found that and it’s easy to tell when blokes are under the porn-spell by the way they talk-about and talk-to women. If they continue that I know they won’t find real love… just casual bed-buddies.
I fear that the next generation hears too much of “treat them mean and keep them keen” and other Neanderthal phrases and will think that THIS philosophy is normal. I fear that parents won’t be able to talk to their children about matter of sex and love even at home because of fear of immature children bringing it up in conversation outside of home and someone reporting it … so they’ll be left to their own devices trying to put the pieces of a complex matrix together from hearsay and fantasy on the street and on the web. I fear that young people don’t see enough holding-of-hands, hugging and kissing in a healthy relationship to know what is normal / real / healthy .. just like they don’t see enough cooking of real food at home and think that cafe’s and restaurants 5 times a week is also normal.
I fear that the young generation hasn’t learnt to persevere through hardships to achieve a goal or level of competence in something (anything) and enjoy the good feeling of that achievement for what it is … a personal achievement that requires no advertising just an enjoyment of a feeling “I did this and noone can take that away from me”
As I’ve moved away from working on the tools to sales and growing a business, I’ve put on a few kilos… a few too many. The weight has caused me aches and pains in my knees and back so I can’t play soccer anymore and I struggle sometimes to do my shoe laces and sometimes I can’t get a rock hard erection either. This is my fault and the food choices I’ve made and the stress I’ve not learnt to deal with …. not porn.
If you or any of your readers see merit or fault in any of my thoughts / logic, please let me know.
What I have learnt in the last 43 years is that I’m still a student in this life and I haven’t cracked the code to wealth and prosperity yet … but I’m tugging away at it.
Look forward to your thoughts and blessings to you all.
Andrew says
Some serious soul searching here Pieter…. Many things I can can relate to although the GFC wasn’t the reason for my financial demise… However a lot of the same story could have been written about me. I’m a bit older than you, but I was about your age when my first marriage ended and I hooked up with my (eventually) 2nd wife… Lots of differences to my first, and I thought this is great…!! Just hope like hell your 2nd doesn’t end up like mine did… Anyway, all single now and, like you, things don’t perform as well as they used to so the amount of “self-pleasure” is significantly less than what it was 20 years ago….!! Good luck to you….
Cheers…
Simon says
My friend Nick said to his wife, ‘I can get it at home, or I can get it elsewhere, your choice’ which worked fine until she decided that she didn’t want to have kids after many years marriage.
I’d like to think a similar ultimatum could have helped with the screaming, but it seems to be inbuilt in some people’s DNA.
Jon Giaan says
great story. thanks for sharing.
Andrew says
Love this…!! Not so sure about the quip “One swallow does not a summer make”… especially when discussing your bedroom antics… haha…!!
Kerrie Randell says
Another article showcasing your sense of humour with underlining expansive thought. Great work.