We are experts at deceiving ourselves. But who’s deceiving who? I’ve got a wild theory, but I know we always need to be on our guard.
My friend Brad cheated on his wife.
It came as a shock to everyone. Brad and Bron were the perfect couple and Brad was a poster husband. They seemed throw-up-in-your-hat happy. No one saw it coming.
Least of all Brad.
When I caught up with him he was a bit shell-shocked – kind of staggered by his own stupidity.
It wasn’t a premeditated or ongoing thing. Just a single night of passion. And he’d come clean once he could see things in the ugly light of day.
But still. It was far and away the most stupid thing Brad had ever done.
For starters, the timing couldn’t be worse. It was a week shy of Bron’s 40th birthday, and she was just getting to the pointy end of a huge project at work. What’s more, her mother was about to come for the weekend and visit the grandkids!
There’s never a good time to cheat on your wife, but it’s hard to imagine one that’s worse.
“What got into you, man?” I said.
“I just don’t know. I mean, I really have no idea. It was really liked I just stopped thinking.”
“Obviously.”
“There were no thoughts going through my mind at all. I could blame the booze, but I wasn’t even that drunk.
“And the truth of it is that it actually felt like a really clear space. Like I had a moment of clarity. I even wondered if I was having some sort of spiritual awakening or something.
“It really just felt like the right thing to do. I even had a thought at one point that Bron would be happy for me.
“And now I look back and I just don’t know what I was thinking. It was me, but it wasn’t me, know what I mean.
“It’s like I’m not even sure who I am anymore.”
Poor bastard.
I could understand. The more I watch people the more I see how excellent we can be at deceiving ourselves.
And if we’re walking a path of commitment to anything, then we have to be constantly on the watch for the little lies and deceits we tell ourselves.
After dragons, we’re our own worst enemies.
Some people might say that Brad had the devil a-whisperin’ in his ear hole. But I think temptation always comes from within.
But where?
Lately I’ve been really interested in this idea that we actually have three brains. As we evolved, we never remodelled the architecture of our brains completely. We just added on extra rooms.
And so you can kind of think about our brain as having a reptilian core, with a mammalian brain overlayed over the top. Then when have the neo-cortex tacked on the front and that seems to manage the uniquely human functions we have.
In a way, it’s kind of efficient. Fight or flight is located in the reptilian brain, and you want that to be as close to the action as possible. You want it to be instinctive.
But managing social relationships is located in the neo-cortex, because it’s something that’s too complex to deal with on instinct. You need to think about it.
Anyway, if that’s true (and hey, who knows?) then maybe Brad got tripped up by his reptilian brain. His commitment to Bron, and to being the best husband and father he could be, lived in his neo-cortex. It was part of his ‘managing relationships’ function.
But his reptilian brain had never signed up to that. It doesn’t care about such things. All it cares about is making more little Brad’s and mating is the only way to do that.
It creates a constant tension in Brad’s life.
Generally though, Brad had it sorted. The neo-cortex rules the others, and being a successful human means learning how to manage our ‘lower’ urges.
Like, I know it will be socially awkward if I just relieve myself wherever I want, and so I find discrete places to go to the toilet. I’m a successful human.
But the snake is never sleeping.
And on that night, Brad’s neo-cortex was overthrown in a bloodless coup. It’s like it was disabled completely. The serpent took over.
And the scary thing for Brad is that it felt amazing to give it the reins, and slip out of the Commander’s chair.
Honesty and integrity is always an act of will. And will takes energy. Constant energy. Letting go of the reins feels like a release.
And the more disciplined you are, the more powerful the potential release will be.
It’s also kind of a case of build a better mousetrap and they’ll build a better mouse. Brad is an attractive guy and has had to deal with temptation in the past. It’s never been a problem.
He thought he had it sorted.
But the serpent had its will, and it just needed to find a way. Brad let his guard down for a moment, and the serpent struck. And the narratives that played out in his mind were things of evil genius.
It can happen to the best of us.
And it’s habit for the worst of us.
This may all be more metaphor than science, but I think it’s true that we are all possible of deep self-deception.
And it will test us in moments of crisis, but it also drives us during the day. What stories do you tell yourself to give yourself another ten minutes in bed, another cookie at morning tea time, another glass of wine?
Another glass of red please. I feel low in anti-oxidants.
And exactly why are you putting off doing your taxes, getting your finances in order, researching properties, reading back-issues of my blog?
Most of these stories slip under our radar.
But who’s really calling the shots?
I’m not winning any awards for research, but how does this stack up as a theory of self-deception?
What tricks do you have to stay honest with yourself?
surfbeach2536 says
Jon you have done a couple of these stories and I wonder if your motive is to quell some guilt you may be feeling. Taking action so that you do not betray a partner is an honourable use of your energy and worth more than your energy use in other areas of your life.
Sims says
Projection!
Patrick Kissane says
Most persons have a number of girl-friends/boy-friends these days before they settle down and get married. Of those who get married, approx.half will live with the same person for the rest of their lives. Of the 50% who do not, I would estimate that at least 50% have had one or more affairs.
New Girl says
I’ve really appreciated this, and your last (Good Friday) newsletter, Jon. Thoughtful, and thought provoking. Thank you!
Sowrabh Behl says
mate i struggle with my ‘reptiallian’ brain on a daily basis .. ‘should i eat the sugar? But that pancake looks so good. I think I need the extra protien, nevermind the fact that i can’t digest the dairy in it… etc’ sheesh.
If you got some tricks that work. I’d be willing to hear it.
The one I’ve heard the best is the one where you simply notice the thought and acknowledge it but don’t take action.. but can’t say that its fool proof.
new age guy says
How about accepting who you are and being honest with any future partners, much easier than being deceitful and carrying guilt and hurting other people. It works for me and my wife of 8 years. Just don’t rub their face in it and be flexible with their needs also. After all what century are we in?
Sowrabh Behl says
I have no idea if has any relevance to my post but nonetheless.
Are you saying we should all subscribe to swingers clubs?
new age guy says
No bro just acknowledge who you are and your needs and be honest to others. I thought you were talking about relationships like the rest of us… Not food!
Deborah says
Hi
As a cheated on wife who divorced my husband over a single affair on a business trip after 15 years of marriage. My advice to all those men out there who cheat once don’t tell your wife, man up keep it to yourself we don’t need to know and share your guilt.
Don’t rip everyones lives apart for what.. 30 mins of a big mistake. We don’t need to know.
However having a serial cheating husband is a different matter and anyone with a serial cheating husband has to have some self respect and end the marriage as soon as possible.
Sims says
Way to take responsibility for your own choices there Deborah. You could have just forgiven him… just a thought.
Deborah says
That is what I should have done in hindsight, looking back from 20 years on, yes. The world is very black and white when you are young!
Finding another new partner and dealing with life as a single parent is a whole another book in itself. But don’t share the guilt men keep it to yourself!
Simon says
or even better, don’t idealize the ‘could have been’ maybe you made the right choice, maybe what you could have done better, is thrown yourself into finding a replacement mate, instead of analysing why it happened
Ms D Dicks says
I am thinking of the guy or girl who is being tempted TODAY and reads this….Maybe you are saving marriages….Then there is a guy I know who did the same as your mate….came clean….then years later figured out his younger daughter was really his ex business partners…and his ex who kicked him out had been up to heaps…before he confessed anyway….poor bastard! And she drained him for everything…like Dympha says ….make sure you are set up right…… It bites hard if you neglect that!
Hey…and I agree…if it is once…keep it to yourself Deborah is right…and learn from the guilt you feel.
Michelle says
I look forward to Fridays, Just to read your No B.S.Blog.It is always Interesting & Insightful. It has made me Laugh & Cry. Isn’t all of Life about Power,Money & Sex? Sometimes one beats the other.Best to curb the Reptilian Beast in us all, letting it escape can reap years of pain. I took that path after 25 years of Marriage, Exciting, Liberating, & Releasing, it was. The flip side meant years of Struggling Financially & emotionally.Go the weekend.
Sims says
No Michelle – Too hard on yourself love – be kinder to yourself you might have been heading down a much more detrimental path.
Makka says
Cheating on your wife is called ADULTERY…It is the worst moral crime that is possible…….As the effects of such a act are far out reaching for those who are involved and those who are not…Adultery is responsible for a breaking down of the family unit WORLDWIDE….Do not let this in to your home…
Sims says
The worst moral crime possible? I think you might be overstating the case a little there. War mongering, torture, pedophilia, necrophilia, genocide… all much worse than screwing some other woman (or man). Your moral compass may need a tune up… I find a good f*cking always help put things into perspective.
Simon says
I think necrophilia is a fairly victimless crime if you don’t post pictures
still warm says
Yes Simon, please keep your pics to yourself!
Simon says
some of them are very artistic,
getting cold says
As long as they are arty…send them through you sicko.
Realism a sobering thought says
i don’t know about snake brain but I do know that life is a struggle to make yourself a better person and if your doing it right it happens every day . We all make mistakes but the trick is to forgive yourself and move on , serial offenders ( of the same mistake ) need to take a long hard look at themselves.
It really boils down to choices , making bad choices and hoping for good outcomes is a form of insanity not optimism. if you learn to know your strengths and weaknesses you can avoid these kind of problems by making the right choices and don’t put yourself in those situations.
Robert says
The main driver of human social behaviour is reproduction, as it is for all living things. If you aren’t producing and raising children then you are wasting your time. If your offspring don’t reproduce, you’ve wasted your time. We have created a society in which people don’t reproduce much – we import people instead. We make children really expensive. We train them at specialized institutions rather than structuring work places to support them being trained, feeding the expense and the need for imports. We develop all sorts of neuroses because we aren’t doing what we’re supposed to do. From this point of view, if the children were fine, or grown up, and Bron didn’t want any more children, or couldn’t have them, then he needed to move on. His misinformed neo-cortex wouldn’t let him acknowledge it. As soon as you accept that people are just like every other animal then everything, except our social laws and norms, makes much more sense. Marriage historically was a business deal, and fundamentally it still is. By all means, honour the contract, but nobody should expect everlasting love. It’s just not how we’re made. We aren’t love machines.
Kim says
The sad side of the story is that only a few people can acknowledge and accept what you, Robert, just said. But “coming clean” is the biggest mistake people make. It just hurts the other half. That is all. We all love our partners, but over the years we want to have sex with “other people”, not as often as we use to, but sometimes. And there is nothing wrong with that. Good faithful marriage usually lasts 3 to 7 years, sexual attraction usually dies by 15-th year. Yes, you may have great memories, but lets look in a cold face of the reality. Your partner is not that person you fell in love with. It called time decay. Their ugly habits and annoying behaviours are taking toll on you and your relationships. Not that sexy any more! Anyway, I feel sorry for Brad who could not keep his mouth shut. That is all, folks!
Glenn Jackson says
A little bit of financial advice, divorce is a very expensive exercise & usually ends up in the assets being split straight down the centre 90/10. The 90 percent going to her. The greatest urge in the world is the urge to be important, followed by the sex urge.
brendon says
i personally believe lack of forgiveness for a single event is just running from the problem and not wanting to face the hard yards required to actually forgive someone..
my wife cheated on me with my new friend over a six month period before she told me and several drunk one nighters… i know now that she was acting out against her own pain etc but at the time was a brick to the side of the head… literally ripped my heart out.
i was virgin when we married 22yrs ago and then of course just felt ripped off because she is only woman ive been with.. i struggled with wanting revenge sex etc but just didnt want to be that guy.
2 yrs after struggling to hold my marriage together i left and 2yrs later still this month – divorce…
she is still the love of my life and we are still best friends but right now we cannot get it together…
there is always more to the story of why some one acts the way they do.. question is –
do i want to be the one that abandons them in their struggle.. allowing for my own healing of course along the way… one day will all make sense.
Simon says
forgiveness, healing, struggle, pain, revenge,
you live in a world of abundance, let go of the one that didn’t work out
Michelle says
Heya Brendon Just felt very sad when I red your story.One thing that you need to remember, when a partner strays it is a symptom of the Relationship or Marriage. It can be mended if you can both work at it together. After a 25 year Marriage Breakdown & years of pain & Suffering with three gorgeous & Smart children to raise & nurture.The road to freedom & a new Life is Long. Keep your head held high & Believe.Love can break your heart, but it is the best thing in the world.Open it & Receive.
Dave Benz says
This world is not what it should be, there was never meant a world that had selfishness in it.If we all loved each other an looked out for each others interests the horrible things we see happening in this world would not be . the ONLY way we can be shielded from temptation is through Christ, who gives us strength to do all things. If only we would belive in His faithfulness,and not the lies of the serpent ..evolution….survival of the fittest….selfishness. Following Christ gives us meaning,purpose,hope for a better future in His kingdom. If Christ is faithful to forgive our selfishness the we should forgive the selfishness of others……. love is selfless just as as God is Love.
realist says
Hmm,good theory, maybe someone should tell the priest’s that represent christ. There’s nothing more selfish than betraying the trust of a small child….. Get real, temptation is in all of us, its just that some people aren’t honest about i, and have no no control over it.
dave says
As I said the world is sin sick…..and priests are not Christs representatives on earth,they are just men.
realist says
My mistake, I thought that a priests life was to worship and spread the word of God and his teachings. Maybe if these teachings were updated from the dark ages of 2000 odd years ago, and preists were allowed to fulfil their urges ,with the opposite sex, and sex before marriage wasn’t a sin, the world might be a bit more relaxed and hideous crimes might not occur so often.
dave says
true
realist says
Mate I’m a bit old school and had my heart and life destroyed by my cheating partner of 9 years. I forgave her the first time….
Doesn’t matter what our who you believe in, temptation and selfishness destroys lives.
dave says
I,m sorry to hear that.We all have to resist temptations , which start with our thoughts,every moment of every day.Forgiveness is not for the guilty,to let them off the hook,or to say it was ok what they did.Forgiveness is for the innocent,so they can have peace and healing and move forwards with their life.
realist (Jason) says
Ah so true, I have found peace with an amazing person, who I can truly trust, and has given me two awesome boys. Hey for a bible basher
Simon says
from 1000 years ago actually, bible says that false religion would forbid marrying, but in 1034, caflick church, which was the govt. of the day decided that priests wouldn’t marry
realist says
Certainly wasn’t a good decision then and even worse now. But thanks for the 1000 year update.
Simon says
that’s from your point of view, imagine if you’re gay in a society that expects you to marry, and you can make a rule that lets you pretend to be respectable, the 60 percent of so gay priests prob think it’s the best rule ever,
realist says
I’ve have no judgement toward gay people as long as the person they choose to have sex with is consenting….But your warped mind has found a great loophole And a good way you stay in the closet….or confessional as it were.
[email protected] says
What a joke
boris says
some time ago i found the difference between FAITH and RELIGION. FAITH is what you choose to believe no matter where the info comes from.Should you choose to gather info from reliable sound sources on any subject and choose to live by this your life will be blessed . Choose crap and good luck to you.
RELIGION is what you are told to believe[on anysubject], grow some discretion, think ,challenge and know the difference
I initially subscribed to this blog for the topics it generated tonight ive lost interest . the delete button looks tempting.
Marie says
That is so much bs Glenn. If the split went 90/10 to your partner it means the court found that she had not only contributed more to the relationship than you, both financially and in-kind, but also very likely had the ongoing care and responsibility for your children who were likely young (thus many years of care required) and likely, at a 90% share, numerous!!! The court starts from a base rate (generally speaking) of 50/50 (depending on the length of the relationship) and then makes adjustments based on the actual contributions of both parties, their age, health, money-earning capacity, and the care and responsibility of the children of the marriage. My advice to you would be to take responsibility for your own use of contraception (or get a vasectomy), treat your partner with respect and love, spend time with those kids you have created and are contributing to, and become a warmer, more caring human being. That way you are unlikely to ever go through divorce again. And, tell the truth next time. Because, knowing a lot about the Family Court system, I can tell you are bullshitting and need to grow up.
Alex Cook says
Hi Marie, Wow! I must disagree. The legal system does claim to start on a 50/50 footing but sadly for most men, it never ends up that way. I have been divorced 4 years now. When our relationship broke down, I asked my wife to move out, she refused. I tried to buy another house in her name so she could live in it. She refused. I asked her to make contributions towards our mortgage, she refused. I asked her to allow me to sell the property so we could split it, she refused. Foolishly, I moved out leaving her in the house with me paying for everything. I rented for 6 months locally hoping that things would settle down, they didn’t. When I tried to get her to move out and accept another house in her name, her response was to start legal action and file for divorce. I wanted 50% care of our children, she wanted me to see them 2 days per fortnight. The lawyers had a lot of fun. Two years later, we were broke. She was still living in the house, still not paying a cent for anything and I had no power to do anything. Eventually, the bank started repossession proceedings on the house. THis is a 4 month process. 2 days before the bank took everything we had and kicked her and our 3 children out on the street, she decided to settle in court in front of a judge.
During our relationship, we had both contributed similar money as she was employed by me in my company and we split our income. She did not work in the company but was paid by the company. She ended up with 2/3 of our financial assets and I got 1/3. I get to see my kids 4 nights per fortnight and half of the school holidays. She got a payout that was at least 200k less then the cost of the house I offered to buy her 2 years earlier, she purchased a house outright, is still not working and still chasing me for more money. Fair? You are kidding me! By going to court, she caused everyone a lot of heart ache and stress. She also pissed away 200k in legal fees. What was the point?
She has 2 degrees, speaks 3 languages and still can’t find a job! Really?
I would like to know what a guy has to do to get 50% if the wife does not want it. We had no issues with domestic violence, no alcohol issues, no infidelity issues – just a crazy woman who was very angry with her husband!
Norm says
Good food for thought Jon – thanks.
Helena says
Interesting how people commenting have focused on the sexual fidelity angle. I see Jon’s article as being more about integrity: how do people stay in neocortical integrity rather than give in to “reptilian/mammalian” impulses? I read Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Successful People when I was 21, and wrote a “mission statement” then, which has really helped me examine my choices day to day in terms of who I want to be. I’m a long way from perfect, but generally speaking, getting better with age … so I call that a strategy that’s working.
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