No B.S Friday: I don’t believe in ‘blame’
I can honestly say that I’m not proud of everything I’ve done.
When I look back at my life there’s a lot of things I would do differently. There were mistakes I made. Girls I should have kissed, girls I shouldn’t have kissed. Deals I let pass me by, deals I shouldn’t have done.
(Girls I shouldn’t have done deals with.)
And for a long time, I would cringe when I’d think about the silly things I’d done. I was embarrassed. They were like that person you’re trying to avoid showing up at a party. I’d just shuffle around and pretend they weren’t there until the memory went away.
But the reality is that in every situation, I was trying to do the best I could do. I was trying to make a good decision.
(I mean, who ever consciously makes a bad decision?)
And so if I’m honest, the ‘bad’ decisions I made came through me, but there were also bigger forces at play.
Take that hair cut I got in 1987. I regret that now. But how much of it was ‘my’ fault? I was responding to the cultural norms of the time. I was vain because I was a blender of hormones on high-speed. I was insecure because I was a product of a society that attaches personal value to attractiveness and sex-appeal. The hair-dresser was hot.
And really I was just a kid. I still hadn’t learnt what it means to be human, and to consciously navigate all the emotional and hormonal drives that come with having a body.
I still had my training wheels on.
And so I don’t blame that kid. He was just doing the best he could as best as he could understand it.
That’s always true.
And I think that as I’ve learnt the ability to accept and laugh along with (not at!) myself and all past versions of myself, I’ve learnt to have more compassion for others.
If I’m not judging myself, then I’m not really geared up to judge others.
Everyone is just doing the best they can, as best as they understand it.
We tend to have structures in society – like the legal system for example – that imagines humans to be perfectly rational beings operating with a single ethical value system, and unencumbered by their personal histories.
And so if people do something wrong, it’s because they’ve chosen, with a clear mind, to do something wrong.
When is that ever true?
I mean, show me someone who isn’t a product of their experiences, or their culture, or their exposure to music videos in the early 80s.
I’m not saying we don’t need systems that define the limits of acceptable behaviour; I’m just saying that people are the way they are for a reason.
I am the way I am for a reason.
So if you’ve made mistakes in the past, don’t worry about it. Laugh it off. You were doing the best you could, even if the best you could do at the time was a confusion of selfishness, vanity and a lack of foresight.
That’s ok. Offer yourself a bit of compassion.
And if you can do that, you’ll find your way into having a lot more love for the people around you.
JG.