Our words matter…
Quite a few years ago, I was talking to my wife about a project I was trying to get off the ground. It was a major deal, and I had a lot of skin in the game. And it involved a HUGE amount of work.
And as I was telling her all about it, and all the dramas that were going on, I said something like, “But don’t worry, I’m going to climb this mountain.”
She said, “That’s a bit dramatic isn’t it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you’re a businessman. Not a mountaineer. I’m not going to send out a chopper for you if you don’t come home from a meeting one day…
“yeah…”
“… because you’re probably just having beer and chips at the pub.”
“Yeah, but pulling this deal off is like climbing a mountain. It requires grit, determination… it takes balls. I’m cast of the same heroic spirit. I’m an adventurer of commerce. I’m a trailblazer of trade. I’m…
“You’re someone who won’t go camping unless we can bring the espresso machine.
My point is you’re turning it into a big deal. You talk like this all the time. Climbing mountains. Crossing seas. Slaying dragons. Sure you get to play the hero, but only by turning your project into a monster.
Why not pick something less scary, less intimidating. Pick something that better matches the stuff you’ve got to do. Like a pile of washing up.
If there’s a big pile of washing up, you’ve just got to put your head down and keep chipping away. But the washing up is never going to beat you. No one ever lost a battle of wits with a pile of dishes. But people fail to climb mountains all the time. Heaps of people have died half-way up a mountains.
So when you say the project is like a mountain, you give it all this power. You make it sound like it’s a 50/50 chance – like it’s probably going to beat you. But if you say it’s like a pile of dishes, it can be big, but it’s never going to beat you.”
“I don’t know love. I’ve seen some pretty scary dishes.”
“Yeah I think we should see someone about your irrational phobia of housework.”
But I thought about what she said for a while, and figured that this is one of those rare instances where she was right.
(Just kidding hon. You’re always right.)
Our words matter. The way we chose to frame ideas affects the way those ideas sit in our heads. And that means that they start to impact our beliefs and attitudes. They affect our mindset.
And that also means that we can change our attitudes just by changing our words.
(For a while there, I used to say “Thanks a million!”, and imagine myself giving away a million dollars — to make me feel rich and abundant.)
And when I looked at this, my wife was right. I was making the job out to be harder than it was, or had to be. (In fact, by giving it this power, I was actually inviting it to become difficult and dangerous.)
I was, almost literally, making a mountain out of molehill.
But even when I could see that, I found it hard to let go of those heroic narratives I was carrying around.
I was dependent on them… for two reasons. First, I just like thinking of myself as a brave adventurer, rising to the challenge and over-coming great odds.
It’s one of the most popular archetypes in our culture. It’s little Frodo Baggins off to fight the great evil at Mt Doom. It’s the karate kid coming up against bigger, and more ruthless opponents. It’s David and Goliath.
In Australia in particular we LOVE the underdog.
And that might be great if it inspires us to rise to challenges that seem bigger than us. But it’s not so great if I start imagining monsters where there are none just so I can play hero-boy.
And so to let the project become easy you need to let go of being the underdog hero (unless, of course, you only want to do projects that are hard… in that case, knock yourself out.)
The second element was the energy I got from this narrative. When I imagined myself as a little Froddo Baggins, I was inspired. I got excited. It gave me energy.
There was me, in a little boat, pitched against wild and stormy seas, on a motivational poster, pinned to the walls of my mind.
And energy is useful so that’s great. But if things didn’t go my way (and at some point they won’t) then suddenly I’m way out of my depth. I’m a useless hobbit with a stick staring down an army or orcs.
Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed, intimidated, wet in the pants.
And they’re totally unproductive emotions to bring to any endeavour.
So I needed to let go of my mighty hero narrative, and I needed to find an alternative source of energy – something more sustainable.
There’s a lot of strategies for that, and I’m curious to hear what people think, but since I’ve made those changes, I no longer find myself stuck half way up mountains any more.
When things are tough, I know I can keep going. It’s all within my capabilities. Just wash another cup. Just rinse another spoon. Just keep going. It doesn’t have to be difficult.
And since I’ve started framing my journeys in this way, surprisingly enough, they actually have been a lot easier.
I enjoy more success, and I’m more relaxed and enjoy the journey more.
Thanks love. Where would I be without you?
“Halfway up some stupid mountain.”
Anyone else caught up in a hero narrative? Where else do we get our energy?
Nic_Tomlin says
How absolutely timely… thank you John. It’s the story of synergy.. things are bigger than the sum of their parts, but each of the parts is a minor step easily graced, just like washing the dishes.
ron says
hi jon, very good article…yes…i have found that with my wife..who keeps our home spotless..there is
an ongoing font of wisdom from her. i always say ‘yes darling’ when confronted with a local problem.:-) for,even if you win an argument or debate with a woman…you lose!! her head thinking is so different to mine.but..she knows what is right to do…or too hard to do. trouble is we are brought up to believe so many stupid, irrational things..like being noble lol..i still am i think. i am not allowed to do the washing up or much at all around the kitchen..i am not ‘ladyboy’ she says. (a thai term for ‘gay’) but i do get permission to cook something she likes..like a stirfry or a pizza. yes…life is a journey..the project is a journey, the result is predetermined..a goal….so why think of all the imponderables..just do it! if you sweep the floor..don’t think about anything..just sweep the floor!! if you are driving your car. ..please don’t become a racing driver..or text your mates or talk on the mobile… concentrate on the driving..there are many idiot drivers on that road with you..watch out! apparently there were over 600 deaths attributable to texting or talking on mobile phones, whilst driving cars, in 2014 in australia! and there were three shark deaths. we do have an option with sharks….no options with cars or dogs (7 deaths), anyway i hope your projects have a smooth run…set the goal and work towards it…slowly…cheers, ron
Ash says
Well said. The tongue is like the rudder that steers the boat. Small but very powerful.
Lorwai Tan says
Thank you Jon for offering this perspective; we create our own reality. I have seen so many motivational posts as you’ve described. I’ve seen words like “struggle”, “massive effort” as if almost having to wrestle and subdue what appear as obstacles. Only then can a person triumph.
The unwritten subtext is that they then must deserve success since he/she
worked their guts out and only with grim determination that they succeeded.
Things that make you go hhmm..;-)
I am all for applying 100% focus, attention and energy on achieving my goals, however I want to do this from a point of being quietly confident about the process and of it coming to fruition primarily because it’s in harmony with my values.
Yes, there will be challenges and I want to view them as opportunities presented for me to find solutions not stress and complain about how hard the whole project was.
I have come to realise that being in business for myself is a course in personal development. Enjoy!
Sarah says
I have been laughing here with the recognition of your narrative! Thank you for this perfectly timed article. I think I will reframe it for myself more as a cross-country event where I will have opportunities for sprinting, perseverance and balance, and moments where I just get a time to sit in the sun and marvel at this very interesting road I am on.
The mountain analogy was actually stopping me from commencing the journey! So from this moment I know I just have to wash one dish and then another 🙂
Thanks Jon!
Jason says
Cheers mate,but I just use the dishwasher…theres always a better way.
Brian Sketcher says
Yes but its a basic human need to feel heroic, doing the dishes isn’t slaying a dragon that’s why computer game addiction is so huge. We’d rather be a knight, general, spy, conqueror of worlds. It addresses our need to make a difference, not to be mediocre and lets face it halfway up a mountain is still better than being at the base camp where most of us live. I’m going to give it a go your re-framing but its hard when your investigating a buildings basement, with dead mice and human waste and little lighting to not hear the Indiana Jones music because that’s all that keeps you on the job.
Debbe says
I live by the notion that we ‘are always right’. Whatever we tell ourselves we can, or can’t, do, we are right. This is really important to remember when feeding the negative or creating mountains for ourselves!
Kell says
She’s a smart woman…. And I’m forwarding this to my husband. Have a peaceful weekend all.
Traveller says
Sure you need a lofty goal otherwise you’ll never achieve anything out of the ordinary.
However, I’m sure that climbers don’t just walk up to a mountain and say “Today I am going to climb this mountain”. It needs planning: how am I going to achieve this; what gear do I need; who do I need to help me; etc. etc. And the bigger the mountain the more planning is required. To climb Everest, years of planning is required.
I’m all for a process called chunking: breaking down a big project into achievable bite size chunks (a dish at a time! 🙂 ) Then tackle each chunk one by one (sometimes more than one in parallel) but always keep the end goal in mind as inspiration rather than an insurmountable challenge.